Until The Day We Die
by Ellynndaria13
Summary: Life after Kirkwall for Anders.  F!Hawke/Anders  NSWF
1. Chapter 1

A/N: There are spoilers all over this story. My female Hawke has no name or description, leaving it to the reader to see their female warrior Hawke in the role. This was my first attempt at fanfiction, so the writing improves later, and may come back and edit as I continue to improve, Thanks for reading. :)

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><p>Her palm landed solidly across his left cheek, sending the bright white light of pain shooting through his head. Anders stumbled backwards, reeling from her anger and his own exhaustion, legs threatening to buckle, but he fumbled in the direction of a sturdy tree and was able to lean against it. Taking air in large gulps, and he blinked several times trying to clear his vision, stars swirling in a blurry mass of thickening forest and angry faces. He shook his head roughly and the crowd of faces merged into one. At this moment he may have preferred an angry sea of faces than this one deceivingly dainty woman standing in front of him. Rubbing his jaw, Anders said "I think Justice felt that one," glancing only a split second at her directly before casting his focus back to the forest floor.<p>

"Good, that's who I was aiming for." Hawke glowered at him for a few more moments, they both knew why she had slapped him, it had been brewing since their last night in Kirkwall. Turning on her heel, she stalked off in the opposite direction but not before he caught the glint of tears in her eyes. That hurt worse than any slap, although he was counting himself lucky she had chosen her palm and not a fist wrapped in champion gauntlet. He straightened against the tree, his amber eyes clearly pained she had turned away from him, but he had known this was coming, or at least something was. His gaze shot to Bethany, her sad expression only more heightened by the sorrow in her large brown eyes. She shook her head and turned her gaze to the ground, and Anders was unsure if she was expressing her disapproval of him or warning him to stay away from her sister. Anders continued to lean heavily against the tree, his legs still wobbly from the exertion of running for days but his breathing had started to slow, although still jagged, his own tears had starting to form now.

There had been no real time for emotions, that night's hastily promised words of love only sugar coated the real fear of goodbye. Yet here they were still together after fighting their way out of the Gallows. Only a day had passed before the decisions were being made to split up, Aveline had actually had a few tears when she gave Hawke a quick squeeze, before she left with her husband Donnic. The look the former guard-captain gave him was a mix of rage and you better take care of her. Varric had promised to get Merrill back to Isabela who was busy trying to secure a ship with the money she had saved over the past ten years and they headed back to Kirkwall after a couple of days hoping his connections in the Undercity would keep them safe. Merrill openly wept, and a few of Varric tears couldn't be held back either. Merrill was the only one that hadn't looked like she could kill him at any given moment even after the way he had treated her over the past decade, and Anders felt some shame in that fact. Hawke moved away from the group a short distance, and Varric gave his "Sunshine" a hug, urging her to take care of herself and to keep an eye on her sister for him. Bethany had promised although admitting it would be strange to be the one taking care of her sister when it had always been the other way around. Varric approached Anders and shook his hand and slapping Anders' upper arm with the other, "Let's hope I am wrong about the renegade mage having no future," he jerked his head in the direction of Hawke. When Anders' gaze lingered on her, Varric chuckled, "But I was right about one thing."

"What?" Anders asked looking back to him.

"Hopelessly romantic." He said with a chuckle. There was a moment's pause, each looking at the other unsure of what the future held and if they would ever see each other again. "Take care of yourself, Blondie."

Anders watched as they said their goodbyes to Hawke and although he remained out of earshot he saw them glance at him, but she quickly looked away, and his heart broke every time she couldn't bear to look at him. He was beginning to wish he had died defending the mages to spare her this pain. _'Her or you?_' Justice enquired. _'Shut up,'_ Anders responded, but he knew it was true, he didn't want to go through this either. Merrill was still sobbing through her goodbyes, not really saying anything, only giving hugs. Now the only ones that remained were Bethany, Hawke, himself and of course, the dog.

After the quick goodbyes, they continued running for days, stopping only briefly for sleep and food, not a word spoken since they were uncertain when the Templars would be pursuing them again. The silence only lead to more tension and that night it had to break for all their sakes. Luckily for them she had halted their running and stopped the maddening silence herself for he had no clue of how to go about it.

Bethany looked at Anders and after she studied him a minute she called out to her sister she would take first watch, and as she passed him her eyes told him it was time to talk. Their Mabari followed Bethany, obviously ordered as a body guard. Bethany had been gone for a while, the other two not moving from their perspective spots, but he couldn't take his eyes off her. Her body seemed tense, like she knew he was watching her, but she didn't move. His mind raced, but yet he couldn't figure out what he was supposed to say either. Anders had warned her repeatedly he would only break her heart, but he was also to blame for not staying away. He couldn't, she was the only thing that kept him him, otherwise all that he would be is Anders stuck in a body under Justice's control. That terrified him.

He finally pushed off the tree, and walked slowly to where she was standing. She stiffened as she heard him approach, and he stopped well out of arms reach. He didn't care if she wanted to hit him, he deserved it, but he didn't trust himself not to pull her to him, and Vengeance even less. He watched a few more moments before he looked at the ground and swallowed hard. "I suppose I should also leave." Anders heart was defeated; Justice was joyous to get back to what needed to be done. _'I thought you were supposed to be my friend.'_

"That's your answer for everything isn't it, Anders, just run away." A whisper, barely audible, her response came before Justice's. She had finally turned to look at him, but he kept his eyes on the ground, and swallowed again. "Don't you ever get tired of running?" there was a short pause. "I know I am." When she spoke the last part she sounded so disheartened he had to look up. She was still looking at him, but he only held her gaze for an instant before she looked away shaking her head, tears present in both their eyes.

"I have caused you enough trouble..."

She laughed almost manically, looking him directly in the eye again. "You could say that, but maybe you should have thought about that _BEFORE_ you blew up the chantry." Her face contorted in rage, declaring menacingly "I will tell you one thing Anders, had my sister not been in that circle I would have let you go out in the blaze Aveline predicted for you."

Something in her eyes said she wanted it to be the truth, but he also knew her well enough to know she would have never left the circle to fend for itself against Meredith, that decision had nothing to do with him. She had defended mages long before he came along, and nothing he did would change that. Time and again mages had broken her trust, or wronged her in some way, and yet she still defended them. Bethany and her father had been proof enough of the good mages could do. Of all the mages she had trusted and been lied to by, it was Anders who had done the most damage. Not even First Enchanter Orsino's dealings with the murdering blood mage Quentin could have hurt her more. Bethany maybe, but not Hawke. "Run if you must Anders, I believe you have had enough practice at it to actually be good at it by now."

She turned to leave but he desperately called after her, "I don't want to run." There was a slight flash of relief on her face, but she quickly checked her emotions behind a golem's stony mask. "I have cost you everything, I thought you would want me to leave." he reasoned.

"Not everything, Anders. I still have my sister." She continued a few paces away from him, "And you," she whispered to him with hurt in her voice expressing she wished that last part wasn't true before disappearing into the darkening forest.


	2. Chapter 2

Anders had huddled himself around a small campfire when Bethany entered the tiny clearing of trees, dog at her heel. "She sent me back. I guess she knew she wouldn't be sleeping any time soon." She glanced back in the direction her sister stood watch, "I don't think she has slept since we left." She stated worriedly. With a sigh, she sat down near the fire next to Anders, drawing her Circle robes around her so not to accidentally set them ablaze. He guessed she sat there so she wouldn't have to look at him directly; no one could stand to look at him anymore, not even himself. He continued to stare into the flames. "We should have had Merrill knock her out, even if only for a little while for her own good." That produced a small smirk from him, but he quickly receded back into his own thoughts. They both stared at the fire in silence for a long time before he asked, "Why didn't she just kill me and get it over with?"

Bethany looked at him in shock, "Are you daft? _She loves you_, Anders. If she had killed you none of us would have gotten out of Kirkwall alive, because she would have died right there with you." She looked back at the fire and after a pause continued, "I'm not sure if anyone approves of your method, but the outcome would have been the same eventually, of that I am certain. I think that is what makes this so hard for everyone, but knowing that, some may understand, maybe even forgive you eventually."

Anders continued to stare at the fire, tears glinting in the flames, "I don't deserve forgiveness... or her love."

"That's one thing about love, we can't decide for someone else who they give it to." They both thought about that while gazing into the fire. Bethany looked back at him, "With all the hate and fear we deal with as mages it is understandable we barricade our hearts when others get too close, but people give up a lot to love us, and maybe we should stop regretting it and embrace how lucky we really are. Right now, she may wish she didn't love you, but that's not going to change the fact that she does. Love will never change in an instant." With that she stood, adjusting her position a safe distance away from the fire, and laid down, her dog curling up beside her, "Try to get some sleep, she's out there for us, just like she always is."

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><p>Anders continued to stare at the flames long after Bethany fell asleep. His body was exhausted but his thoughts wouldn't allow him to rest. He felt the dog watching him between naps, its expression almost pity. <em>'Great even the dog feels sorry for me...' <em>

_'You should not be pitied, but feared. You have done what you must.'_

_ 'YOU have done what you thought we must, I just couldn't stop you.'_

_ 'The oppression of your fellow mages had to be dealt with. How you can insist on your own freedom, to love openly, while your friends, her own sister, were held prisoner was wrong.'_

_ 'What we did was just as wrong.'_

_ 'It was for a greater good.'_

_ 'Well, _JUSTICE_, shouldn't you be striking me down next? Or was Isabela right in justice only being an idea?' _Anders almost laughed out loud at the very thought Isabela could be right about anything serious. Justice remained silent. It was just as well, they had been having the same argument for a long time now and it wasn't going anywhere. His focus returned to the fire, his thoughts drifting to happier times in front of a fireplace, the first time they made love, the first time he told her he loved her, where she told him she would stand by him no matter what. A lot of good that got her, friends turning on her because of him, the friends that had stood by her now gone being hunted themselves and stuck out here in this blighted forest making sure no one comes to kill her sister or herself. His heart wrenched inside his chest.

Realizing sleep was pointless, he checked the fire making sure it was contained before he stood and walked to the edge of the clearing. The dog lifted his head to watch him before laying it back down. He scanned the darkness, allowing his amber eyes to adjust. He finally spotted her not far from where they had been resting; she must have been watching them also. He walked towards her, but again he stopped several feet from where she stood, "I'll take over."

"You didn't sleep." She had been watching him.

"I can't."

"That makes two of us."

"Please, at least try, fo..." He had almost said for me, but she had done a lot of things she most likely regretted for him recently. She looked at him with a pained expression, but finally nodded and returned to the clearing without another word. He watched as she scratched her dog behind the ears before laying very close to her sister, back to him. After a while she was very still, but he couldn't tell if she was asleep. He stood watching the rest of the night, wondering when Cullen would rally the Templars to chase. They had not caught up this night however.


	3. Chapter 3

Bethany tried to take over at some point during the night, confirming Hawke had finally gone to sleep. He refused, figuring the last thing she would have wanted was to wake to find him staring at her. He use to lie in bed watching her, thinking how lucky he was to have her. He was the lucky one, too bad it had not worked out the same way for her he thought miserably. As the sun began to brighten the sky overhead, the birds began to chirp and she stirred. Although she had slept, the armor she wore could not have made for a comfortable rest. She dare not take it off, her sword always in arms reach. She sat up and stretched, craning her beautiful neck. He cursed himself, even now he couldn't get the thought of her beauty out of his mind, and he turned his back to the camp. He could hear them talking, but could not make out the words, even if he could he would have walked further away. He didn't need eavesdropping added to his list of sins, plus he was pretty certain he didn't want to know anyway. '_Probably trying to figure out where they are going to dump me.'_

_ 'You are in no danger of these two, I will not allow it.'_

_ 'That's not what I meant, and I swear if you even think of hurting either of them I will put an end to this madness myself.' _He wasn't sure if Justice would be able to stop him, but his threat was genuine. _'As if I didn't have enough to worry about.' _

Justice remained silent but the battle of his thoughts concealed the fact someone had walked up on him, and he jumped when Bethany appeared beside him. "Maker!"

"Is something out there? You seemed pretty focused on something."

"No. My thoughts were just elsewhere."

"Well you better get some sleep tonight then, a distracted guard is a poor one." She didn't ask what he had been thinking about, she probably could guess. "She's ready to go."

"Alright." They walked back in silence to the clearing where Hawke was stamping out any remaining embers of last night's fire, scattering the ashes and covering it up the best she could. They waited a while to make sure nothing rekindled, a forest fire the last thing they needed on their tails, and set off west, deeper into the forest.

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><p>They walked today, but kept up a quick pace, Hawke of course taking point, Anders pulling up the rear. They had walked half the day in silence, no one wanting to risk anything by idle chatter. Something was wrong, like a probing of his mind, a hushed whisper. Darkspawn. He searched his mind and the trees, trying to pin point the direction of the danger, and his halt in walking had alerted the others to a threat. The darkspawn knew he was there. <em>Damn it, <em>he cursed himself for bringing more danger to her. He was still searching when an arrow whizzed past his ear, and that was all he needed. He summoned a firestorm in the direction of the offending archer. Squeals of pain rang through the forest as the rain of fire connected with the enemies, dispatching them with his staff as they ran in panic. Hawke moved in front of her sister, sword at the ready, mabari readying a charge. Anders looked at them but moved in the opposite direction, toward the enemy, leaving them standing there. Her distress had been evident but she remained silent. These had been a few minor scouts that had seen them, but he could sense more farther off. Anders and the darkspawn found each other at the same time, another small group. He whipped a fireball before drawing his staff, blasting them with charges from his weapon, hoping to give Hawke and Bethany enough time to get away when the flanking charge came from the right, mabari teeth and flashing steel catching the darkspawn off guard. Of course she didn't leave, relief mixed with anger. Another fireball from behind the new fray members allowed him the time to cast a tempest spell and dispatch the remaining enemies. After the darkspawn were dead, he remained still, and listened. Silence. He felt relief spread across his face, and Hawke must have picked up on it.

"Are you crazy? Why would you do that?"

"I was drawing them to you. I wanted to give you a chance to get away."

"In all the time we have known each other, have I ever ran from a fight?"

"No."  
>"No... Besides your ability to sense them is a much greater help than a burden." She lowered her sword, looking at him like he had suddenly lost all sense. "Don't <em>EVER<em> do that again."

She walked away cursing him to the dog, who glanced at him and seemed to shake its head before following her. Only Bethany remained, "She's just worried for you."

"I can't seem to do anything right anymore."

"I wouldn't say what you just did was wrong, I don't think she would either really."

They followed her at a distance in silence, she still appeared to be cursing him as they continued their journey west. They were all on edge, but for now everything seemed to be still. That evening they didn't risk a fire, Bethany and the dog curled together and fell asleep. He sat leaned against a tree, clearing his mind, searching for the telling nudge of danger, even Justice seemed to realize the importance of his search and remained still. All was quiet, and exhaustion claimed him.


	4. Chapter 4

Anders wasn't sure how long he had been asleep, but when he opened his eyes he found Hawke crouching in front of him. "Andraste's flaming knickers!" he hissed with a jump, banging his head against the tree. Worry that she heard something sank in quickly, so he closed his eyes and he scanned again, but found nothing. He slowly opened his eyes but she hadn't moved, was still crouching in front of him, watching. "I don't sense any darkspawn..." He wasn't sure what she wanted, hoping another slap wasn't it but he braced himself regardless. She just continued staring at him, and he began to squirm under her scrutiny. He jumped again when she finally spoke.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, I understand you were just trying to protect Bethany."

"Not just her," he said softly.

She stood, looking down on him, no longer the dainty woman he use to hold in his arms, but a strong warrior, a match for any foe, the slayer of the Arishok, high dragons, blood mages and Lyrium crazed Knight-Commanders. "I don't need your protection."

She walked off into the trees. Bethany was still asleep and if the dog was awake it wasn't letting on. That dog was growing on him. Anders rubbed his head where he had whacked it against the tree, before springing to his feet and stalking after her. When she was within earshot of a harsh whisper "Of course you don't need me, the mighty Champion of Kirkwall doesn't need anyone does she?" She stopped dead in her tracks and turned on him. He jumped back to avoid any flying objects, but nothing came at him. Recovering, he asked, "This of course begs the question, why _am_ I still here?"

"I said I didn't need your protection." she hissed back at him.

"Then what do you need of me?"

She had no immediate response, but searched his face, perhaps trying to find the answer herself. Her expression softened, "I need Anders, not...not whatever it is you have become. I need to know he is safe."

Her answer took him aback, "I am Anders."

"No," she shook her head in denial, "you're not." And she left him standing alone again.

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><p>He stood alone in the dark forest a long time, thinking about what she had said. Everyone had time to think about the events that transpired back in Kirkwall during their silent flight. She hadn't been totally wrong, Justice's threat of appearance while he stood in front of the Knight-Commander in a square surrounded by Templars only proved how far lost he had become, and the following destruction of the chantry with Grand Cleric within sealed his fate as an abomination forever.<p>

_'I am no demon, there for you are not an abomination.'_

_ 'A spirit of Vengeance is a demon.'_

_ 'I am Justice.'_

_ 'That was not justice, we out right murdered innocents. You are no longer Justice, just as I am no longer Anders.'_

_ 'The woman's outright refusal to right a wrong justifies our actions.'_

_ 'What a perfect solution, we should just kill everyone.'_

_ 'If that's what it would take, so be it.'_

_ 'Listen to yourself! You would see everyone dead, even mages if they believe the Chantry is right. We almost killed a mage because you could not tell the difference in our rage against the Templars. If Hawke hadn't stopped me..." _Anders didn't want to think about it anymore. Justice receded, knowing Anders was at least right on this last account.

He breathed in the thick, humid night air; a thin fog covered the forest floor, shimmering in the light of the full moon. There was a sound moving water nearby and decided to make his way to it, thinking a good rinse would help clear his mind. The water had been a bit further than he thought, the silence of the night carrying the sound to him. As soon as he was in range of the creek he stopped cold in his tracks, he hadn't been the only one drawn to the sound. She was there; finally shed of the armor she bore for near a week. He tried to turn away, but couldn't. The linen of her undergarments clung to her damp skin. He had always wondered how someone always clad in cold, heavy plate and muscles rippling in battle could be so warm and soft under his hands. He could still feel the heat of her skin against his palms, the rise and fall of her body as her breath quickened at his touch. When he finally was able to wrench his gaze away from her, he was breathing heavily. He turned to retreat back towards camp, head down, crushed. Anders hadn't made it a few steps when something whizzed by his head, landing squarely in the tree directly in front of him. A dagger, her dagger. He turned shocked, but stammering his apology, "I'm... sorry... I didn't..." She was still standing by the stream, linen clinging to her splendid body. All words ceased to form in his brain. He tore his eyes away, gaze landing back on the dagger, "Now who's crazy?"

She just stood there, not saying anything. They both knew had she been aiming for him she wouldn't have missed. A trick Isabela had taught her no doubt, but he dared not look at her again, didn't have to look at her to have the image of them in his mind. He closed his eyes tight in frustration, trying to force the scene out of his mind, but of course it didn't work. He couldn't take it anymore, and he turned to leave again. "What, was that too subtle?" She called after him.

He stopped, but didn't turn, "What do you want from me? I didn't know you were here. I saw you and knew watching you, wanting you, was wrong. I tried to leave, am trying to leave, but you keep stopping me."

"Come back to me, Anders." Her voice was husky, a plea.

"Don't. Please, just stop. I can't stand to see you turn from me anymore. To see the pain in your eyes. To know I have finally become a monster, feared and hated by all, even to the one person I truly love."

She thought he heard her breath catch, but maybe it was just his, he was having a hard time breathing at the moment. "Come back to me, Anders."

This had to be some nightmare of the Fade, some desire demon to torture him, but he knew that couldn't be true, Justice was in control in the Fade and they both know a demon when one is present. Maybe he had just hit his head harder than he had thought. A battered heart expressed through his sagging shoulders and head, he still made no move to turn back to her. "Anders?"

He shook his head; he couldn't deny her any longer. Squaring his shoulders, Anders' gaze strayed back to the dagger. Reaching up, he retrieved it and turned back towards her. His steps were steady, his eyes never wavering from her face, but he couldn't read her expression and hoped the longing for her wasn't showing in his. He grabbed her right hand wrapping it around the hilt of the blade, his own hand over hers, point to his heart, Justice prickled to awareness. He pleaded with her hastily, "Please, kill me now. I am not strong enough to fight the both of you. You are the only person who can pull me back from his anger, if you cannot stand beside me, spare me and everyone else from this torment." He tried to force her hand but it would not be moved, "Please, do it now... before he comes..." he begged resting his forehead on hers, tears slipping down his cheeks. She moved and he braced himself for the coming stab, Justice struggling to come out, but instead of cold steel ripping through his flesh he felt her soft lips on his. He was paralyzed for a moment, his body tense. All of his focus was on keeping Justice from taking over, but the spirit receded immediately at the sign of affection. She had been about to pull away, probably dismayed by his initial reaction, but he raised his hands to rest alongside her graceful neck, running his thumb across her smooth cheek, kissing her back hungrily. The dagger dropped to the ground and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer. He finally broke away to look at her beautiful face, caressing her check. When she opened her eyes to look back at him, his heart slammed into his throat and he swallowed hard to force it back down. He hadn't thought this would ever be possible again, having her in his arms. This last year he had kept turning her away, knowing his coming betrayal would only be more damning if continued to make love to her. Her pained expressions had broken his heart, knowing she didn't understand why he kept pushing, but he couldn't bear leaving her completely. Justice seemed to agree, probably knowing if Anders had left none of this would have happened, too heartbroken to carry through with it and running back to her. The last night as they were leaving the estate for the Gallows he had pulled her to him and kissed her, a selfish act, but she had returned the kiss passionately. It took every ounce of self control to break the kiss and the look she gave him after was hopeful, thinking they had finally gotten past whatever this was between them. He didn't say anything and walked out the door. He thought that was their last kiss, he honestly never thought he would leave Kirkwall alive. How had he allowed himself to risk losing this for anything? But he also knew he was the last person in Thedas, mage or otherwise, to be allowed this right now.

He bent to kiss her again, softly this time, his right hand slid across her shoulder and down to the small of her back inducing a shiver from her and drew her closer, her body always fit so easily against his. Her hands moved between them, and up his chest. '_No, don't push me away, please',_ he silently pleaded_. _He kissed her more desperately, trying to savor every last second. Her hands did not push, but expertly started to unfasten the buckles of his robes. His breathe caught in this chest, before finally escaping in a soft groan, he's body aching with need trapped within for near a year. After the last closure was released he relinquished his hold on her so the robes could be pushed away. They stood together in their flimsy smallclothes, fervently kissing each other. He waited for her to make the next move, not waiting to rush her, but craving it. Hands clutched in the linen, he silently implored her not to stop. She must have sensed his request, because she tugged off his shirt, placing a light kiss on the chest she had bared. Her hands moved across his chest, and around to his back. She gently raked her nails down, and across his hips. His eyes closed, _Maker_, he loved when she did that, and he moaned. There was a pause, but he wasn't sure if she was teasing him like old times, or just unsure of if she wanted to continue. The pause was longer than he was use to and he stole a glance at her. She seemed frozen and distant. His heart sank, and he crushed her to him, kissing her forehead hard. She was completely rigid, so he just held her to him, and gently rocked her.

The heat of their bodies promised to incinerate him, but she was still unmoving. He kissed her lips, but there wasn't a response of any kind. He tilted her face up to look her directly in the eyes. Something was terribly wrong; she just kept staring off in the distance, almost through him as if he wasn't even there. He wrapped his arms around her again, his panic growing. His eyes moved to the stream behind her, and a thought crossed his mind that the cool water could bring her back around. He bent down and scooped her up, holding her close to his chest, and she did not resist in anyway, it was like she wasn't there either. Anders carried her to the water, and knelt down placing her in a shallow pool. He was on his knees beside her, with her propped up against his chest and he scooped water in his hands, gently caressing her. "Sweetheart?" He kissed her forehead, and brought a scoop of water to her face and wiped it across her forehead and right cheek. "Come on, sweetheart." It was like she had went into shock of some kind, but he didn't know why. He could heal any type of battle wound, burns, lacerations, anything damaged in a physical sense, but this was beyond his realm of healing. He shook her gently as if trying to rouse her from sleep, but it didn't help. He pulled her back to his chest, and rocked her some more. He wanted to cry, but he knew losing it himself wouldn't help at the moment, and just kept trying to bring her back around, talking to her, kissing her face and lips, but to no avail. He finally decided the water wasn't working, and picked her up in his arms again taking her back to the bank. "Maker, please, she doesn't deserve this, punish me!" He shouted to the Heavens. He had done this, and there was never going to be a way to fix it. Luckily the night was warm, so he sat down drawing her up in his lap, hugged to his chest and waited.


	5. Chapter 5

Bethany finally appeared some time later, dog leading the way and that's when he lost it. "I can't wake her up!" He cried.

"Anders?" She ran over to them. "What happened?"

"She... we..." He couldn't form sentences even if he had wanted to tell her everything, "She won't wake up!" He croaked with a sob.

"Anders, Calm down." Bethany looked over her sister, who was just sitting in Anders lap staring into the forest but not focused on anything. She didn't see any physically wounds, not that Anders couldn't have fixed those himself. "Where you attacked?"

"No, she just... froze."

"What do you mean?" Bethany touched her sister's cheek. Anders could feel through their light clothes she was still warm but not overly so, but she didn't react to Bethany's touch. She snapped her fingers in front of her eyes, not even a blink. "Tell me what happened Anders!"

He took several ragged breaths, forcing himself to calm down. After he gained some semblance of composure he recounted most of the events of last night to Bethany. He left some things out, but some she could probably figure out on her own. She seemed to understand what parts he was leaving out.

"How long has she been like this?"

"Hours, I think." He tried to find the moon, but it had faded into the trees, the sun's first rays still not touching the sky.

"Sister, can you hear me?" Nothing. Bethany frowned. "Why didn't you come get me sooner?"

"I don't... I don't know."

"Did you force her?"

"Of course not!"

His expression of shock must have convinced her because she softened her tone, and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Sorry, I had to ask." She looked back at her sister, "Maker, what are we going to do?"

The two mages sat in silence for a while, racking their minds for a solution. Coming up with nothing, Bethany visibly started to get upset. "This is absurd, my sister, THE Champion of Kirkwall of all bloody things, sitting like a lump, staring at Maker knows what!" She grabbed her shoulders and shook her, a bit rougher than Anders had or would have liked. "Wake up, darn you."

"What are you doing?' Now both sisters were ignoring him.

Bethany swatted her face a couple of times, "Wake up, Sister."

"Stop that." Now Anders was getting upset again too, he pulled Hawke closer, trying to protect her.

The dog could tell something was going on and he started to bark and howl frantically. They tried to get him to calm down, but he wouldn't be silenced.

Hawke stirred. "Wha...?"

"Oh Thank the Maker!" was a unison reply followed by a happy bark.

"Wha... What happened?" Hawke asked her sister.

"You froze up, not by a spell or anything, just... stuck, staring off into the distance. Anders said you had been like that for hours." At the mention of his name, he felt her tense up. Bethany must have seen it too, because her eyes flicked to his face. Hawke seemed to realize where she was all at once, and sat straight up, pulling away from him. She about tumbled out of his lap, but he eased her to the ground before releasing her. He tried to hide the hurt, but doubted it worked. She stared at his face for a few moments before her gaze drifted down to his chest, and stopped transfixed on something. Hurt washed over her features also, and he looked down to see what she was looking at. Attached to a silk cord was the Tevinter Chantry Amulet she had given him roughly five years ago. Also attached to the cord was a small key.

* * *

><p>Anders had immediately gathered his clothing and left. Bethany was calling after him, but he knew she wasn't about to leave her sister's side. He sloppy threw them on as he walked, stumbling and cursing a few times along the way. His vision was cloudy, he thought he would have run out of tears by now, but obviously he hadn't yet. He swung by the spot where he had leaned his staff earlier when he nodded off, and snatched it up on the way through. He wasn't sure which direction he was going, or even where, all he knew was he had to get far away from here.<p>

He guessed he had walked for near an hour when the sun started to come up, and once again the chirping birds seemed a good sign. Gauging his direction by the sun's position, something he had become very good at in an old life, and decided north was his best bet, away from Kirkwall, away from Starkhaven, and away from her. _'It is better this way.' _Justice said_._

_ 'Shut up.'_

_ 'You allowed this to happen, knowing the end result.'_

_ 'Maker help me...stop.' _Old habits die hard, he doubted the Maker listened to him anymore.

_ 'Now that this is over, we can focus on the true task at hand.'_

"JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UPPPP! DAMN IT! _I...LOVE...HER_!" He screamed aloud. He fell to his knees, his throat protesting from his outburst, bile building. He's whole body was shaking violently, large tears drenched his cheeks, and his lungs gasped for air. He buried his face with his hands, and just gave into the tears for once. He hoped allowing himself to cry would get it out of his system, but every time he closed his eyes she was there. Almost every memory he had from the last ten years had to do with her. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about her from the moment she returned to the clinic in Darktown after trying to help save Karl, she hadn't call him an abomination, even jokingly flirted with him. He had started to look forward to the times she would come looking for him, it made him feel important and needed. Sure he's patients needed him, but it wasn't really the same, most of them only kept his secret out of fear they would need his services one day. He had begun to hope she kept coming around for other reasons then just his ability to heal. They had visited often, first mostly as a group at the Hanged Man because her Uncle's house was too small and depressing. Then at her estate, someone was always stopping in, they all loved her, he was just the lucky one that got to call her his. He couldn't help but think he was getting exactly what he deserved, this had to be worse than death. "I love her," He repeated softly.

_'You keep saying that, but you allowed her to be hurt, I'm not sure that is love.'_

"I tried not to love her, damn it. She's a part of me, without which I am not whole. Besides, you don't even know what love is demon." He hissed.

_'I do not, nor do I wish to. It seems an unworthy goal that only causes misery.'_

"If it wasn't for love, there would be no need for justice."

_'I do not understand this statement.'_

He sighed, and tried to explain what he meant. "Who would care about anyone else's plights if love did not exist? Who would care that a young mage was ripped from his mother's arms if she did not love him nor anyone knew the feeling of lose when love is taken away?" Justice seemed to ponder this. Anders wiped his eyes and stood up. He finally readjusted his clothes properly, and continued with long strides in a direction away from the sisters.

_'And stop calling me a demon.' _Anders just rolled his eyes and ignored him and continued on. As he made his way through the forest he came across a few random giant spiders, nothing he couldn't handle and dispatched them quickly before moving on. One had gotten close enough to touch him with its creepy, hairy legs. He froze it and smashed its head with his staff before it could bite him, but he still shuddered at the thought. He hated spiders. Without thinking he reached up and pulled the key and amulet from underneath his clothes, habitually rubbing them when he was worried and alone. Several minutes had passed on his trek northward when the tip of his thumb ran across the teeth of the key. He stopped, looking down at the small object in his hand. _It was this._ This key was what caused her to freeze up on him, it had to be, she had jokingly called it the Key to Her Heart. He closed his fist tight; meager nails still digging into his flesh, anger flooding his veins, anger at this key, anger at Justice, anger at himself. He twisted the cord around his hand and gave a hard yank breaking it with a pop and with a cry usually reserved for battle he flung it into the forest. He kept moving.

Anders had expected Justice to say something about his rage, but he kept silent. The sun was getting close to setting, a full day of walking almost complete although there should be enough moonlight to keep going, he needed to get out of this forest as quick as possible now that he was by himself. The growing shadows started playing tricks with his eyes, so he decided to talk to Justice for a little while to settle himself. "Do you care at all that I have ruined my life? Just curious if I am anything besides a warm body to you."

_ 'I'm not sure what these feelings are, Anders.' _Not mage, that was something he guessed. Justice rarely called him anything anymore, and when they first met in the Grey Wardens he called Anders "mage". Thinking back on it, all the men had, must have been his nickname, although he was glad it didn't stick, hard to be on the run with your friends calling you mage.

He sighed, "Are you asking me to describe them again?"

_'No. I feel something, but I do not know what it is.'_

"Oh it could be a whole host of things: Guilt, Regret, Sadness, Shame, maybe Jealousy. I don't know, do any of those seem to trigger anything."

_'No, although I do think you happened to forget quite a few.'_

"Well I was just tossing out the ones I thought you could be, or maybe should be feeling."

_'Do not tell me what I should feel, mage.'_

Ha, mage again, but he had probably heard his thoughts about it earlier. "Cheater." There was a pause. "How about I tell you the ones I feel? Heartbreak, Shame, Guilt, Anxiety, Grief, Fear, Desperation, WRONG, but very most of all I feel Damned."

_'Damned?'_

"Yes damned, doomed to walk this planet with you stuck inside me telling me how to live my life and losing everything because of it including eternity. Hope you liked me here, most likely I will be sitting next to you forever in the Fade, annoying you until the end of time." He shocked Justice into silence, and he had to laugh. "You asked for it, maybe next ti..." Something hit him full in the chest, knocking the wind out of him, and with such force he stumbled backward a bit. He looked down to see an arrow sticking out of him, and up to see a hurlock archer notching another. Anders felt light headed and went to his knees, before passing out.

* * *

><p>Sensing his friend was in trouble, Justice sprang into action. He saw the hurlock drawing back on its bow before Anders hit the ground. Luckily that afforded Justice some time because the hurlock seemed to think he didn't need to waste another arrow, and came to finish Anders off with its sword. Justice waited until he was within feet, and struck out with a winter's grasp spell freezing the beast in place before Justice sprang up and knocked off its head with Ander's staff. More started to rush out from the trees and but he cast a fireball, quickly followed by firestorm knowing there were more archers waiting in the fringes. As they ran screaming engulfed in flames he focused on the advancing sword wielders and took his battle stance with an otherworldly snarl. As they came within range he cast a cone of cold, and proceeded to use the staff itself and the energy within it to dispatch them one by one. He's fast pace allowed him to dodge other arrows that were starting to fly in their direction again. Casting a tempest spell finished off the remaining archers and he returned his attention to the remaining melee enemies. They started to surround him, but he drew in the surrounding energy and with a mind blast sent them flying back stunned. He returned to using the staff, and finished off the remaining enemies with ease. He pulled the arrow out of their chest, and mentally scanned the area for anymore darkspawn. He didn't sense any; they must roam the forest in small pockets. He stalked away from the disgusting beasts and their foul smell. After putting a good amount of distance between them he felt his hold getting weaker. <em>'Anders?'<em>

There was no response, Justice wasn't sure what was going on. Everything was starting to get a bit fuzzy, like they were in the Fade. He felt something warm and wet on their left hand. He raised it up to look at it and it was covered in blood, a lot of it. The black robes did not actually show much but Justice pulled them away to find their body bleeding quite heavily. _'Anders, you need to wake up now. You need to heal us.' _ He could not heal them himself. He laid down, figuring when Anders came to pain would take him back down. _'Anders!'_

He felt a small stirring of consciousness, _'Anders?'_

Anders groaned in pain. _'Anders you need to heal yourself, you are bleeding to death from the arrow wound, you must hurry.' _Anders' eyes fluttered open, and a spasm in his chest caused him to cough. He seized in pain, only to cough more. He tried to ease the coughing by rolling to his side, but blood spat out of his mouth on the last cough. He lifted his robes to look down at the chest wound, and it was still bleeding fairly heavily. "Perfect."

_'Anders?'_

He rolled back onto his back and looked up through the trees to the first twinkling stars. "Let's see what comes next, Justice."

_'What are you talking about?'_

Anders just closed his eyes, and reached up to his chest, but he didn't find anything to hold on to this time.


	6. Chapter 6

Anders consciousness slowly returned, and his eyes fluttered open. There was a faint yellow haze around him shifting strangely in the darkness. The shifting light was causing his head to spin, so he shut his eyes again. He slowly started to remember dying. He wanted to die. He wasn't in pain any longer, so he must be dead. He reached up to clutch his key, but it was no longer there. He remembered, he had tossed it aside, just like everything else in his life, and his heart clinched at the memory. Well no physical pain at least, but still damned to feel everything else. Wonderful. _'Anders?' _Justice, even better...

"Leave me alone," he groaned.

"Anders?" Not Justice, feminine. He's eyes snapped open and he turned his head slightly to the direction the light and voice seemed to be coming from. A fire was burning, that's was the source of the golden light and shifting shadows. There was a woman sitting near the fire but he couldn't tell who it was.

"Hawke?"

"No Anders, it's me, Bethany."

"Oh, well, then I was kind of right," he said with a small chuckle turning his face back to the sky.

She moved closer, drawing his attention back to her. She looked very tired and concerned. "How are you feeling? My healing skills are no match to yours, but I tried my best."

He closed his eyes, but he didn't feel any physical pain, and looked at her again, "You fixed what you could."

"Why, did I miss something?"

He looked away again. "Only a broken heart."

She didn't say anything, nothing needed or could be said. She moved back to the fire.

_'Anders?'_

"Not now."

"I'm sorry, what?" Bethany asked.

"Oh nothing, just talking to myself." He needed to stop that, people already thought he was crazy enough, didn't need to go around proving it further by blathering to "himself". Justice must have decided to leave him be for now because all was quiet except the crackle of the fire and the bugs shrieking from the surrounding forest. He wondered where she was, but didn't ask, and shut his eyes, drifting in and out of sleep. At one point, he woke up and looked over at Bethany, and she had curled up and went to sleep herself, healing him had to have taken a lot out of her. He didn't believe the arrow had punctured his heart, probably just a knick and a lung. _'Good thing I have two of those,' _he thought_ 'I wish I had two hearts instead.' _ He mentally scanned his body, she had done an excellent job at healing him and was far more talented than she believed. He would have told her so but let her sleep, knowing what it was like to be so drained, and drifted back off himself.

* * *

><p>Anders woke up at the sound of footsteps approaching, and barely opened his eyes to see who or what it was. It was Hawke, back in her full armored glory, sword sheathed across her back, Mabari at her heel. His heart swelled and his throat closed. She kept her distance from him, and he shut his eyes again, doubting she noticed his half open eyes. Metal shifted sounding like her crouching near her sister, and she must have woke Bethany up because he heard the younger Hawke ask, "Oh, Sister is something wrong?"<p>

"No." A small pause. "How is he?" Just a question, like he was some random nobody or a scouted area.

"Oh, he woke up!" was Bethany's excited answer. There was some shuffling, Bethany must have sat up to face him.

"Any permanent damage?"

There was a minor pause before Bethany said, "No."

He risked a peek. She seemed to pick up on Bethany's pause, but only nodded. She turned her eyes to Bethany, looking at her with pride and love. "Thank you, Bethany. I'm sorry I woke you, but please try to get some more sleep." Bethany nodded, but couldn't help throwing her arms around her big sister. Hawke hugged her back, and released her, and the younger Hawke laid back down. Hawke snapped her fingers at her side in front of the dog, and the dog tapped them with his nose. Hawke pointed at her eyes and then her sister. The dog tapped her fingers again with a tail wag and he sat down next to Bethany. She afforded the same look she gave her sister to the dog, giving his ears a scratch and hugged his neck. He had seen her several times give the dog silent commands and had to admit it was pretty amazing. She stood up then, her expression changing for him, hard and unreadable, before she turned and left the area. He closed his eyes again, she use to give him the same look she just gave Bethany, occasionally kissing him unexpectedly, mostly just pecks on the cheeks or lips. He used to get embarrassed being kissed in front of the others, but they didn't seem to mind, so why should he? He started kissing her back. They hadn't been vulgar about it, just expressing their pride and relief for passing yet another test together. He frowned. She will never look at him that way again, there will always be that question of 'what have you done?' in her eyes. She would never be proud of him again. She would never love him again.

* * *

><p>Anders woke up some time later, and the sun had started to rise. Bethany was awake, busy putting out the fire from last night, and he tried to sit up which caught her attention. "You probably shouldn't do that, you lost a lot of blood."<p>

"We should probably get moving," but he's head started to spin and he laid back down.

"Don't worry yourself, we aren't going anywhere until she thinks you are ready." Hawke wasn't in the small camp they had made, probably still out patrolling the area. "I'm sorry I can't offer you a health potion, we are drastically low, and I don't know when we are going to get out of here."

"I understand." He closed his eyes to keep the trees from spinning above him, but that only made him feel more nauseous.

"Do you need anything?"

"Some water would be nice."

She brought him a small container, and helped hold up his head holding it to his lips. After a long drink he thanked her. She nodded. She looked at him with a small frown. "Why did you run?"

The question triggered a memory of Merrill and Pol, and how this time almost ended up the same way, but Bethany was still waiting for an answer. "I had to, I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what Anders?"

"The look in her eyes, the pulling away, the pain."

"Who's pain?"

"Her pain... My pain. I thought if I left it would be better for both of us."

"I don't think that was the best idea."

He chuckled a bit, looking up at her. "At the moment, neither do I." She smiled at him, and he had to look away, the Hawke women bore too strong a resemblance. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"How did you find me?"

She seemed confused for a second, "Well, with him of course," pointing to the dog. "He's a good boy, yes he is." He barked happily at the recognition.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense."

"When you didn't come back quickly, I started to get worried. She knows you better, and seemed to have more faith in you handling your own I suppose. She began to get worried when it was midday and you still hadn't returned. We figured out quickly you hadn't planned on coming back considering the distance you had put between us."

"You're right."

"Don't do it again, Anders. Promise me."

He looked at Bethany confused.

She was whispering looking off in the distance. "You didn't see her face... when we found you. The blank stare was _nothing _compared to this. She ran to you, falling on her knees. She was _afraid _to touch you, but when she finally gathered the courage to touch your hand to only find it cold, she thought it was over. Everything about her shattered, she fell forward kissing your cheeks and eyes, begging you to come back. I have never seen anyone so broken. She might have been strong enough to lose our family, but she isn't strong enough to lose you too, and I'm not strong enough to lose her." She looked back down at him back with tears in her eyes, "Promise me, Anders."

He swallowed hard, and whispered back. "I promise."

* * *

><p>He laid there most of the day, thinking about what Bethany had said. She had to still love him, right? But she couldn't stand to be near him, talk to him, look at him, anything. Oh, what a wonderful revenge this has become. He had no doubt he deserved it, but who could have thought up this type of torturous punishment? He sighed. A thought occurred to him, Justice had been granting his request for silence since he had come to. <em>'Justice?'<em>

_ 'Yes Anders?'_

_ 'Just checking to see if you were still here.'_

_ 'I am.' _Anders couldn't decide whether to be relieved or not, he missed his friend. _'I am glad to see you are recovering,'_ Justice told him.

_'So it would appear.'_

_ 'Thankfully the young mage appeared when she did, I held on to your soul as long as I could, but even I was losing strength and was slipping back to the Fade.'_

_ 'What do you mean?'_

_ 'Your soul tried to leave almost immediately, but I wouldn't allow it. I held on to it and fought for you to stay here where you belong.'_

_ 'I wanted to die, Justice.' _Anders wanted to be upset, but some part of him was grateful.

_'I know, but I wasn't ready to lose my friend either.' _Anders smiled at that, and drifted back to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

"What took you so long? I've been here forever." Isabela demanded.

"We had some minor complications, but here we are." Hawke replied. The two women hugged each other in relief. The rest of the journey across the forest had been majorly uneventful. Anders fully recovered after a few days, and they had a few skirmishes along the way, but nothing they couldn't handle as a team. Hawke still hadn't said anything to him, she hadn't even yelled at him. As they had neared the forest edge they started to worry Isabela wouldn't be there, but here she was, just like she promised.

"Bethany, Anders." Isabela acknowledged them in turn. She turned back to Hawke, "Wait until you see my ship. She is a beauty. I have rooms prepared for you all. Surely a real bed would be welcome right now." She looked at Hawke with a raised eyebrow, but her only answer were the expressions on the old companions' faces. Hawke had shaken her head and looked off in the distance, Bethany looked sad, and he looked embarrassingly to the ground.

She huffed, but said "Well then, shall we?"

They spent the rest of that day walking to the coast to the waiting lifeboat that would take them back to her ship. She told Hawke all about what happened in Kirkwall after they left while she acquired a ship. "It was Craaazzzzy. The mages all fled of course, as did most of their families. The Templars couldn't figure out what to do, whether to give chase or stay put until help arrived. I think they decided to stay put for now."

"Thank the Maker!" Bethany chimed in.

Isabela inclined her head and continued, "The whole city was in an uproar about who was right and who was wrong. The major consensus being they wished you hadn't left, but they understood why you did, seeing as how the Templars are not exactly trustworthy at the moment and you need to protect your sister."

"That is gracious of them," Hawke replied.

"Although I am sure there were a few that would still run you through for certain other decisions you had made..."

Anders bristled at anyone hurting her, but Hawke just laughed, "Of course, I expected that."

They finally made it to the coastline, Isabela chatting all the way. He did catch her looking at him a few times, but she never addressed him again directly. She had a crew of about ten men waiting for her with a small boat. They could see the ship out in the water. Hawke covered her eyes with her hand and squinted to get a better look. "Wait, isn't that Castillon's ship? How did you get it?" Hawke asked.

Isabela shrugged, "I lied of course. It wasn't like he needed it after you killed him."

"True." Hawke replied with a laugh.

They boarded the tiny craft and headed out to the waiting ship. One of the sailors kept staring at him, and Anders began to feel uneasy. After about an hour of what was probably exhaustive rowing, they finally made it to the ship. Finally on deck, they could all breathe a little bit easier. Merrill was waiting to greet them.

"Merrill, what happened?" Hawke asked in shock, she was standing before them with an eyepatch and a hook, but Merrill couldn't hold it together and she started giggling.

"Just a joke," and removed the costume and gave Hawke a firm hug.

"Glad to see you made it to the ship," Hawke told her returning the hug.

There seemed to be a rumbling among the sailors, and one finally seemed to finally get the courage to say something aloud. "That there's the mage who blew up the chantry, that's a sin against the Maker and we ain'ts taken him no wheres." It was the same one who had been staring at him in the row boat.

The four women stepped in front of him facing the sailor, Bethany and Merril's hands at the ready, Isabela and Hawke drew their weapons, even the dog joined the line of defense, snarling. Anders was shocked and humbled. The crowd of sailors separated from the one who had shot off his mouth, all of their eyes wide. Before anything happened Isabela disappeared in a puff of smoke, reappearing behind him, dagger to his throat. "I'm glad you found religion, dog, maybe your Maker will take pity on you." And she slit his throat. Everyone was wide eyed, mouths agape. She stepped in front of her men, pointing her dagger at them, blood still dripping from it. "I am Captain of this ship. You will obey my orders, or you can join him." pointing at the corpse.

"Aye, aye ma'am." Was the semi unison response as sailors scattered away to go do something to not incur her wrath.

"Sorry about that, new men, got to break them in." She slid her daggers back into their sheaths. "Want to see your rooms? Sure you do. Let's go." Merrill expression changed into a knowing happy smile, they must be in for a surprise, Anders thought, although he still couldn't believe what they all just did for him.

They went below deck as Isabella explained, "These quarters are usually for important members of the crew, but I managed to talk them into letting you have them." She said slyly with a wink. Merrill giggled, Bethany looked shocked and Anders and Hawke shook their heads with grins. "Here's your room, my lady." She said with a mock bow as she opened the door.

Isabela looked back up to watch as the joy slipped across Hawke's face, all her bedroom furniture from the estate was there, a fresh pair of clothes laid out and a bath drawn. Hawke shook her head with disbelief, "How did you do this?"

"Oh you know a lock never stopped me, plus the guards didn't know about the entrance from Darktown. I bet they were shocked to discover that somehow everything vanished right below their noses," she said with a laugh. "I put what I thought you would need in your rooms, the rest in is in the hold." She pointed out a room to the left, "Bethany," and to the right, "Anders." At least she had enough relationship savvy to know they probably weren't speaking to each other even if they were still together. Bethany gave a squeal and a bear hug to find all her things from the Circle in her room, "The painting of Mother, oh thank you Isabela."

Isabela quick squeezed and tried to dislodge her, "Yes, yes alright."

Hawke just nodded appreciatively with a tear.

"Alright well, why don't you all get cleaned up, you all need a bath because Anders you have a guest."

He was a bit puzzled, "A guest?"

"You'll see."

"Where are we going Isabela?" Hawke asked.

"To Denerim."

"Why Denerim?"

"There is a large port to get lost in, and I have friends there."

"More friends, Isabela?"

She shrugged with a smirk, "You know me, I have _lots_ of friends." She turned, and went back topside, Merrill on her heel leaving them to their rooms.

* * *

><p>He had to smile, his room contained all his books and supplies from the clinic, his mother's pillow, and his cleaned old robes. A note from Varric said, "Keep in touch, Blondie." Getting away from Kirkwall and on ship was half the battle, and reading the note would have meant he made it at least to that point. He cleaned himself and shaved quickly curious to find out who had come to see him. After that display of protection he knew it wasn't anyone to harm him, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out who else would want to risk being seen with him or what was so important to board a pirate's ship to do so.<p>

He dressed quickly, somewhat relieved to be out of those black robes and decided to find Isabela. The dog was waiting for him outside his room. Anders snorted slightly annoyed and amused he was now under protection detail, but knew he couldn't break the Mabari from its duty. He found Isabela on deck giving orders that would take them across the Waking Sea, Merrill standing close by. Merrill walked away to give them some privacy when he got closer, or she was just distracted by something else, she was like that and he couldn't tell.

"I see you have a new friend." She commented about the dog.

"Orders."

"Of course, but still handy. No one would want to piss off me and him."

"True."

"So, I take it I was correct in the separate rooms assumption."

"Very."

She looked at Anders with genuine concern on her face, "I'm sorry, Anders."

He snorted, "Me too."

"Well at least she will miss the lightning trick." She said trying to lighten the mood.

He snorted again, "Never used it."  
>"What... why?"<p>

"We had our own sparks, we didn't need it."

"Well her lose."

"No it's not, it was mine. This is all my fault."

Isabela sighed, "You know I am not good at this stuff, I meant about the trick."

"Oh," they stood in awkward silence for a while. She shouted orders to her men every now and again. "So about this visitor?" He asked.

She looked at him slyly, "I haven't forgotten, let's just wait for the others."

He nodded, still confused but turned to the rail and looked at the open sea. He had told the Wardens once he was going to be a pirate, now look at him. It didn't take long for Bethany and Hawke to rejoin them and Merrill had returned by then too, Isabela barked a few more orders at her men. "Okay, to the galley."

They all followed her back below decks, and into the hall where the sailors ate. He was the last one to enter the room still trying to rack his brain at who it could be. Standing at the other end of the hall was an older man in first enchanter robes. "First Enchanter Irving?" he asked in disbelief.

The man turned confirming Anders suspicion. "Yes, it is I, Anders."

"_How_ did you get here? _What_ are you doing here?"

"You know better than I how easily we can escape our chains for a time if we really wish." He was referring to Anders many escape attempts from the Circle, and Anders started to get worried.

"You didn't come to take me back did you?"

"Oh no, or at least not in the way you are thinking."

"Then why are you here?"

"I was in Denerim, on business, when I heard about what was happening in Kirkwall. I boarded the fastest ship I could, but before Greagoir and I got there, it was too late. Chantry destroyed, Circle ransacked and Templars in ruin. It was all quite a mess."

"That still doesn't explain why you are here."

"You were always an impatient young man. Very well, I will get to the point." Irving turned to face a porthole. "This has been coming for a long time now, as much as we, the elders of the Circle, tried to hide it we knew one day that it would all come crashing down. You have started a war, my boy, one that has been brewing for centuries. I believe you realized this when it happened."

"Of course, it was kind of the point."  
>"Of course, well now I would like to know what you intend to do now that you have started this war?"<p>

"At the moment I am just happy to be alive."

"I understand, but seeing how this is largely your doing, I would like you to help lead the way to our freedom."

Anders was in shock, he's mouth moving back in forth with no sound coming out. Justice seemed only slightly happy, but definitely more reserved than normal. He finally found the words he was looking for, "Are you crazy? I didn't think I would leave Kirkwall alive and now you want me to help lead an army?"

"Why, yes." Irving didn't seem to see the absurdity in his request.

"Do you know what I sacrificed for this? Was willing to? And now you are asking for more?"

"Well what was your plan then?"

"My plan was start the war for mages freedom and be killed by Templars. I was only lucky on that last part."

"Exactly so, so now what?"  
>"Are you not listening to me?" Anders slammed his hands on a table. "I lost everything... <em>EVERYTHING... <em>that night. A semi stable life, most of my friends, nearly my very existence. I lost my _wife_ for this."

There were few gasps of shock from most of the ladies in the room before he realized what he had said and he swallowed hard, looking at them each in turn. He didn't know Merrill's eyes could get any bigger and Isabela quickly recovered per usual, "Wait until Varric hears this one." she muttered.

Bethany jerked her face to look at Hawke, "Sister?" but Hawke just shook her head in dismissal indicating this was not the time.

First Enchanter Irving continued, "I am sorry my boy, but what did you intend to do now?"

Anders shook his head at the First Enchanter, "Right now I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago," He walked over to Hawke, both looking each other directly in the eye neither one looking away this time. "I'm going to talk to my wife."


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry, for the delay. November required a new project, but finally here an update is. Thank you for the patience and the lovely reviews. This chapter is explicit.

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><p>They left the room, leaving their companions lingering questions behind them. "Wait, you can't leave it like that!" Isabela called after them, with Bethany chiming in with her shocked "Sister?"s. Anders heard Isabela groan in frustration, and Merrill giggling but he just followed her through the bowels of the ship in silence, dog on his heels. She stopped in front of the door to her room, possibly unsure if this is where she wanted to be alone with him.<p>

"We can go up on deck," he offered but she opened the door and went inside. Standing in the threshold, he tried to make sure she was certain, and she waved her hand like she was presenting him a path to walk across. He went in, standing near the bed, and she shut the door behind them. She didn't lock it, not that it would have mattered with a ship full of thieves anyway, but the Mabari outside waiting would probably keep away any unwanted guests. They kept their distance, she was wearing a pair of leggings and a tunic cinched in at her small waist by a thick leather belt, _why did she always have to look so damn sexy making this so damn hard_? She walked over to a small table, where there was a bottle of spirits, "Drink?"

"Yes, please." Maybe getting drunk would make this easier. Justice bristled. '_Fine_.' he told Justice. His fingers brushed hers accidentally when he took the glass and sparks shot through his arm. They receded quickly to their corners, and he took a long drink from his glass where she only sipped. She licked her lips, and when he still couldn't speak she said, "Well, that was a major slip." She was always more take charge than he was and she guessed correctly in herself needing to break the ice.

"I'm sorry, it just came out."

She shrugged dismissively, "It was going to one day, besides it had always been your idea to hide it."

"You did agree," he replied.

"To put your mind at ease, I would have shouted it from the rooftops."

"I know, that's what scared me."

She set her glass down, and crossed her arms. "How long had you been planning it?" She had changed the subject on him, and he looked down at his half empty glass. When he didn't answer quickly enough she went on, "Where you planning this from the beginning?"

"Of course not, or at least not what you are asking about."

"Before we..."

"No, if I had known I was going to do this I would have never married you," Anders looked back up at her as he spoke, and she looked a slightly wounded, but he kept going, looking down again, "That probably came out wrong, but only about a year, maybe a year and a half. What I told you before, it was true. Partly. I had been researching for a way for me and Justice to be separated. I also knew I had to do something for mages freedom, that shouldn't be a surprise, that part I had been planning from the beginning. Shortly after we got married I came across the spell. I tried to find another way, but as things got more desperate, I did what I thought I had to."

"Was it worth it?"

He took another drink, "I guess that would depend on how some things work out, but in others ways, not remotely."

"Explain."

He looked her in the eye again. "Everyone deserves to be free, Hawke. You have said it yourself many times. If this grants all mages that, then it would be worth it."

"And what, you become a martyr?"

"If need be."

"You don't have to die to be a martyr."

"I'm beginning to believe it is worse not to," he said softly, looking into the glass.

"What about us? Did you think about me at all?"

"Try as I might, I can never stop thinking about you," he said with an awkward laugh. She didn't say anything, and he looked up at her again. "Of course I thought about you, that's why I didn't want you too involved. I told you that already. That's why I kept pushing you away, to make it easier for you when the time came."

"The time came for what?"

"To lose me."

She shook her head with a sigh. "I don't ever want to lose you, Anders, and nothing you can do could prepare me for it. That's what I meant when I said I wanted you right here, until the day we die. I didn't mean at that house, I meant by my side. You always said it would kill you to lose me; well it is the same for me. When I saw you..." she started to cry, "just lying there... your hand... and it was so cold... I couldn't..." He couldn't bare it anymore and crossed the room placing his drink on the table, crushing her to him and kissing her to silence her painful memory. He kissed her tears away, trying to block out his own memories of losing her himself. When she had calmed down, he loosened his hold on her, and kissed her on the mouth again. He dropped his hands to his sides and took a step back, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him back to her. "I'm sorry about what happened last time, it was not my intent."

"I know, sweetheart."

"I had to know if there was any of you really left, that's why I kissed you, and also why I held the dagger. I would have done what you asked had you not responded, but after seeing you lying there the next night, I know now my second to last act would have been getting Bethany to Isabela."

"Don't say that."

"I can't live without you, Anders."

He sighed looking down at the floor, "I can't live without you either, I didn't even try to heal myself, the pain of being without you was worse than dying."

She wrapped his arm around her waist before she reached up to wrap her own around his neck. Pulling her against him again, Anders kissed her very softly on the lips. She moved her hands to his chest, and started unbuckling his robes, but he grabbed her hand and brought to his lips, kissing it softly. He wasn't sure about going further, and the worry must have been showing plainly on his face.

"It isn't going to happen again, Anders. I'm fine."

"Are you sure you want me here?" a loaded question.

"Until the day we die." She knew the answer.

Releasing her hand, she made short work of removing his robes again and he swallowed hard as she slid them off his arms. She quickly moved on to his undershirt and pulled it over his head, kissing his bare chest, running her hands lightly across it, his muscles flexing at the touch of her hand, sparks of electricity shooting through him, and Anders sighed softly. Encircling her mouth on his right nipple, she traced a circle around it with her tongue, before washing it across the tip. She pulled back grazing it with her teeth, he closed his eyes and groaned before the mouth moved to the other side and did the same thing. He lifted her chin back to his and kissed her hungrily on the lips, each of their tongues caressing the others and tasting the rich smoothness of the drink they had shared mixed with her own sweetest. Removing the belt that encircled her perfect waist, he let it drop to the floor, replacing it with his hands. Feet turned them around and guided them backward until they reached the bed. He broke the kiss to pull the tunic she wore over her head, and pressed her into to him, kissing her again, loving the feel of her naked breasts against his bare chest, and in the desire of their kissing they rubbed against him. Cupping her right breast in his hand, Anders leaned down to suckle it, and she arched her back slightly pressing it needily to his mouth. He broke into a smile as she started to moan and began running his tongue over and around the nipple and feeling her pull out the tie that kept his hair back. Fingers ran across his scalp, every where she touched him tingled, it always had, she seemed to have her own magic to excite him. He felt a slight tug on his hair, and he gave the nipple one final light pull with his tongue and teeth before he worked his way back up. He stopped to graze her neck with his teeth for a few moments inducing another moan from her before he returned to her lips as she demanded. She was panting slightly expressing her need, and he kissed her deeply. He's body was aching for her. He ran his fingertips down her back letting his right hand slide under the waistband of her leggings to feel the beginning of the warm, fleshy curves of her bottom. He pressed his hips against her pulling her further into him with the hand on her bottom, and she moaned at his hardness, he himself groaning when she began rubbing her body against it. He pulled back his hips, his left hand moved to the front of her leggings and untied them, and pressed them down over the swell of her hips. His right hand gently kneaded the newly exposed flesh, his left going back up to her breast. He broke from her lips again to trail kisses to the nipple he was rubbing his thumb against. She was arching against him again, "Oh Anders."

His heart flopped in his chest and moved his right hand to her shoulder, pushing her down to a seated position on the bed, then back to lie down. He pulled off her boots and removed the leggings from her shapely legs, and he could see her biting her lower lip. The boots removed, he kissed her right ankle, and then the calf, he ran his tongue underneath her knee, and planted another kiss before moving forward. As he kissed her inner thigh, he ran a single finger up her left leg from the tips of her toes to the same position of the opposite thigh, inducing a twitch and a moan from her. He moved very slowly forward, pushing her legs apart slightly before he traced his tongue very lightly across the place where her leg met hip, and she jumped slightly. Smiling again, he placed his left hand splayed across her abdomen, turning his full attention to the place directly between her legs, the scent of her made him lightheaded, and when he tasted her he groaned with desire. He felt her breath catch underneath his hand, and he moved his tongue slowly across her again, kissing and sucking the tiny bud there before placing his right thumb on top of it and rubbing it slowly in a circular motion. He delved deeper with his tongue, _Maker, she tasted so good_, and she rewarded him further by sighing his name. His heart was pounding, and he quickened his pace with this thumb and tongue, he wasn't sure how much longer he could go without being inside of her. She had been clutching the blanket, but she reached down to grab his shoulders and tried to pull him up, but he didn't allow her to direct him this time. He felt her hips rising under his hands, her fingers dug into his shoulders and he groaned again. Her hips started to buck, but he held her in place with his left hand and he moved his thumb across her more rapidly, his tongue exploring deeper. She groaned out his name as she climaxed, and he lifted his eyes to watch her face flush with ecstasy. Her eyes were closed and she was panting heavily. Her hands started to relax, and her thrashing hips settled, he lazily licked the juices that were flowing from her and she twitched every time he's tongue touched her. Finally he stood up looking down on her beautiful naked body. She semi opened her eyes and looked at him through heavy lids. The left side of his mouth turned up into a smile, and she smiled back. He had waited so long for this, he just wanted to look at her another moment. This was his beautiful wife, and she stood by him no matter what. She reached up a hand to him. He undid he pants, and stepped out of them before taking her hand and crawling up above her. He snaked an arm under her waist and pulled her up further onto the bed before settling above her and kissing her lips. She gently twisted one hand in his hair, and with the other she lightly dragged her finger nails down his back, and he shivered against her. He broke the kiss and she opened her eyes. Gazing directly into her eyes, he entered her slowly and Anders had to control his urge to close his eyes, but he could not stop the moan from escaping his lips. She was so tight and wet as he guided his hips into hers, and her head rolled back and her eyes shut when he was buried all the way inside her. He nibbled her chin before he slowly withdrew. He couldn't stop from closing his eyes when he pushed into the next time, her hips rising to meet his. Continuing his slow pace, he lowering his mouth to her ear licking the lobe before whispering, "You feel so good, sweetheart." Her fingers dug into his back as she moaned her answer and he nibbled the lobe before lifting his head to look at her face again. He felt her body starting to clinch around him and he groaned at the pleasure of the sensation while her breathing started to quicken again, pulling him to the edge with her. He quickened the pace only slightly and her head went back again, eyes closed, mouth open. He kissed her throat, and she released a moan beside his ear. He felt himself tighten up, and he breathed into her ear "Oh yes, sweetheart, moan for me again." She obliged, and he moaned for her too. He was getting so close, and she was gripped so tight around him. He dipped back down to nibble the side of her neck.

"Oh Maker, Anders!" She climaxed again, and he looked back to her face, and the sight of her peak brought him to his climax too. He buried himself deep inside of her and released, groaning in pleasure, as she was clutching around him and digging her fingers in his back and he thought it would go on forever, but he finally collapsed to her side, both of them trying to catch their breath. He clutched her hand and after he could finally speak again, he said "I love you, my beautiful wife."

"Until the day we die my darling husband."


	9. Chapter 9

They had fallen asleep entwined in each other, but he roused before she did. Anders couldn't help but have a big goofy grin when the first thing his eyes focused on was one of her perfect breasts. He could see from the porthole the sun was setting, and he knew it wouldn't be long before someone came looking for them. Propping himself up, he washed his tongue over the nipple while she sighed in her sleep and he smiled again. Giving it a gentle tug with his teeth seemed to bring her around, and she looked down at him, smiling lazily. He returned his attention to her nipple and her back arched slowly. "Mmmm."

A free hand ran across her chest and it paused at her stomach, he always liked resting his hand there for some reason, he didn't know why. Anders moved his hand lower to find her still warm and moist and slipped a finger inside, massaging the tight passage. Her hips were starting to move with his rhythm, and he slipped another inside while she took a sharp breath in, letting it out with a moan. He worked her up until she was starting to squirm but then he sat up suddenly facing away from her, "Well... we better get going, before they come looking for us," doubting she couldn't see the large grin on his face.

He started to feign leaving but she whipped her left leg across his lap, bringing herself up and across, facing him. He faked a surprised look, but he had forgotten how quick she was. She put both hands on his shoulders and pushed him back into the bed, and how strong. "Oh no you don't, husband."

"But darling," he couldn't keep a straight face and he smiled widely at her.

After a moment her face took on a serious expression, looking at his smile. "I have missed you, Anders."

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her down on his chest, kissing her hungrily. She returned his kiss with passion, but after a minute she pulled away, and smiled at him with a wicked gleam in her eyes. _Oh Maker,_ he knew that look_. _She bent her head down again, and kissed his lips lightly, trailing her way down to his ear, where she washed her tongue over the lobe and sighed lightly, her warm breath tickling his ear, while his own breath got caught in his chest releasing it with a groan of desire as she tugged the lobe lightly with her teeth. She nipped at his jaw as she started moving lower. Kissing down his neck, her teeth dug in a little more freely on this stop, after a sharp intake of air and he moaned and twitched with need. She moved on tracing a fingernail along his collar bone, setting his body on fire with her hot breath and soft lips as she moved south. She lightly ran circles around his nipple with her tongue, and nipped it before she turned her attention to the other, doing the same. She kissed her way back to the center of his chest and worked her way halfway down before she ran her tongue back up, and lightly blowing on the moistened trail, "Sweetheart... Please..." he begged. He was panting now, clutching the blanket. _Maker, she loved to tease him! _but in all fairness, he loved it too. She moved lower, kissing his belly button before moving on, sliding off the bed and putting her knees on the floor. She kissed his inner thigh before sinking her teeth into his sensitive flesh, knowing his line between pleasure and pain. "Oh, Maker, Yes!" She ran her fingernails up the insides of his legs with him twitching the whole way. She was within inches now and he was throbbing and pulsating expectantly. She kissed the joint of his leg and hip, running her tongue along it as he had earlier. He felt her hot breath on his member now, and it seemed to be excited as his.

There was a knock at the door. "Oh but the Maker does have a sense of humor..." He hissed in a whisper lifting his head. She buried her face in his thigh to keep from laughing, which was not helping.

"Hawke?" Merrill, figures.

"Yes?"

"Isabela sent me to tell you it was chow time." Isabela, doubly figures.

"Okay, be there in a minute."

"Oh Hawke, if you see Anders, could you tell him too? I couldn't find him."

She couldn't stop the burst of laughter that time, "Of course."

"Thanks, Hawke."

She looked up at him with pity and mirth and he dropped his head back to the mattress. She stood and turned to start getting dressed but he sat up, grabbing her wrist. She looked a bit surprised, but there was no way he was going to make it through the evening like this. He moved to the edge of the bed and pulled her down into his lap. Lifting her legs one at a time and wrapping them behind him, he placed one of her hands on each of his shoulder. Then eyes locked on her face, he lifted her hips and slid her down over him. Her beautiful mouth formed a perfect O as he slipped inside her and he leaned back slightly, grinding her hips back and forth across his. After a few minutes, he bit his lower lip, and increased the friction, he could feel her muscles clinching already.

"Anders, don't stop, please...don't stop."

"Not a chance, sweetheart." Anders increased the speed again, and she quickly climaxed, her head thrown back, and calling his name, over and over. He didn't stop, and watched as she rode wave after endless wave of orgasm. Her breasts were heaving as she tried to catch her breath but couldn't as he continued to move her hips against him and tensed watching her enjoy them. Her head snapped back up, and she looked him directly in the eye, panting with desire. His heart skipped a beat, and he joined her climax, grunting and pushing himself into her as deeply as he could. He released her hips, only to reach up and lightly twist a hand in her hair, crushing her to his kiss, he drank hungrily from her mouth. After his heart slowed to a more normal pace, he released her, but didn't let go of her just yet. "You know just what to do to drive me utterly mad."

"Of course, dear husband," she kissed him lightly on the lips. "I love you."

"Until the day we die beautiful wife."

They cleaned and dressed quickly before another messenger was sent to retrieve them and were making their way back to the galley when she claimed she forgot something, telling him to go on ahead. Anders watched her walk away and he smiled. He felt a push on the back of his thigh, and found the dog looking up at him expectantly. "Alright, I'm going."

He had almost made it to the galley, when he heard the First Enchanter's voice, "We need to decide on our next course of action." Anders stopped, this was not something he wanted to deal with at this moment but the first enchanter was speaking to someone else since Anders had still not made his appearance known.

"It's not like he's going anywhere right now, can't you give them a couple of days without all this mage rebellion stuff loaming over them?" Isabela asked.

"This is important, young lady."

"Look, this past year has been difficult for them, that was plain to see for all involved, only to see them almost lose each other in the end. We all lost friends and lovers," her voice had wavered slightly, "The best thing for us all right now is to try to get to the moving on point. They just found each other again, all I am asking is to give them that."

"Young Lady..."

"Okay fine, you made me do this. Captains Orders. Two days, no mage rebellion talk. After that I will lock you all in a room if you want. And _please_, stop calling me young lady."

"As you wish, Captain."

Anders heard footsteps walking away, and decided it was safe to continue to the galley only to come face to face with Isabela looking at him with a raised eyebrow, but she just gave him a wink.

"So where is the Misses?"

"She had to get something from her room. She told me to go ahead."

"Ah, she's feeding you to the wolves first."

He smiled, "I hadn't thought about that."

"Of course not, your mind is still back there nibbling her thighs."

He shrugged, use to her sex talk by now, "I can think of worse places to be."

"So can I." With that she turned and they proceeded to galley.

The room was full of men laughing and drinking, it almost had the same atmosphere as the Hanged Man but with one major piece missing, Varric. He was sorely going to miss that dwarf. Merrill and Bethany were seated at the Captain's table chatting merrily with each other when they saw him approach. Merrill's smile got bigger, but Bethany's disappeared.

"Where's Hawke?" Merrill asked.

"She'll be here soon." He sat down. Bethany was staring coldly at him, what had he done now? She didn't say anything and turned away from him, he must be getting the silent treatment.

"Well, spill." Isabela demanded.

Anders looked at Bethany, "I think I better wait for Hawke."

Isabela followed his eyes, and groaned "Fine."

"I can't believe you too got married without telling us." Merrill said excitedly, that elf had always been clueless. Bethany huffed, stood up from the table and left the hall. Merrill still didn't seem to understand, but honestly neither did he. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No Kitten," Isabela assured her.

"I'm glad to see Hawke found you, I looked for you everywhere."

Isabela let out a hardy laugh, "Not everywhere, Kitten."

"I missed something again, didn't I?" Isabela and Anders just laughed.

Isabela turned back to look at him at the sound of his laughter, clapping a hand on his forearm. "It's so good to hear you laugh again."

"Indeed, I was beginning to think Varric was right when he told you your face was going to get stuck in that glower." Merrill added. "Even looking at Hawke seemed to make you more miserable."

Anders shook his head, "I was miserable, I couldn't bear to lose her, but I knew what I was doing needed to be done."

"Enough talk of that." Isabela removed her hand. "Can we get some drinks over here?" She called out to her men, and swiftly she was obliged. She raised her glass, "To whatever comes next."

"To whatever comes next." The other two repeated, and they all took a drink.

"I must say it all has been rather exciting." Merrill chirped.

"Stick with me, Kitten, for this is only the beginning."

Hawke had finally entered the room with Bethany on her tail still looking wounded.

"More Drinks!" Isabela ordered, and was quickly accommodated again. She was very in her element here, Anders could see where her self-confidence was gained and needed. Hawke sat down next to him, and ran a hand up the inside of his thigh under the table. He jumped at the touch and Isabela snorted in amusement. The others hadn't noticed, but Isabela had probably made several people jump like that and seemed to know exactly what happened.

"Andraste's flaming tits, now will you tell us?" Isabela insisted. Bethany's scowl deepened. Anders looked at his wife, who was looking at her sister.

"Oh please do go on," Bethany said with a snarky tone through clinched teeth.

"What do you want to know?" Anders asked swallowing hard still watching Bethany.

"Don't play dumb with me now, _your wife_, when did this happen?" Isabela demanded.

"About three years ago, shortly before Aveline and Donnic got married."

"Well at least I got to go to that wedding," Bethany growled.

That's what this anger was about, "I couldn't risk the Templars finding out, Bethany. I love your sister enough to marry her, you should understand that I would also do everything to protect her. With the things that have happened the last 10 years, we knew we couldn't take for granted there wouldn't always be a later, if things get better, especially for an apostate mage. If you had come, your jailers in tow, they would have known and used that to their advantage." The explanation didn't seem to comfort her.

"You know what it's like to be in the Circle, Anders, to desperately miss your family, and now to find out I missed such an important day, I don't think I can forgive that."

"Your right, I do know what it is like to live in the Circle, but I didn't have any family or friends to visit me."

"I heard you made plenty of_ friends_ in the Ferelden Circle." Bethany retorted, "Male and female, it would seem."

His eyes opened wide at her suddenly venomous response.

Hawke shot back, "That's enough Bethany!" also clearly wounded.

"Quite." Bethany stood up and quickly left again.

He looked at the remaining companions, Merrill seemed confused as ever but Isabela seemed amused. "Well that was... something." Isabela said.

He looked at the table slightly embarrassed, but his wife gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"So I guess this conversation is over for now," Isabela deduced. Anders nodded his response quietly. She sighed, "Well come on Kitten, let us seek our entertainment elsewhere for a while." The women left them to their own thoughts.

"Why are you so embarrassed, love? It's not like I thought you were naturally so talented." She told him wickedly.

He couldn't look at her, having his past thrown back at him, and in front of her, hurt.

"Anyway, look I got something for you." Confusion spread across his face, it wasn't like they had visited any shops recently. He turned his head to look at her and she slipped something around his neck. He looked down to see the Tevinter Amulet and a small key.


	10. Chapter 10

"Where did you find it?"

She pointed down to the dog, "He found it when we were looking for you." He gave her a smile, and squeezed her hand lightly.

Isabela and Merrill had made their rounds and returned back to the table, but he claimed seasickness and headed back to his room. He kissed his wife's cheek, whispering "Thank You" in her ear. Anders assured her he would be fine, and told her to stay and enjoy herself. Upon entering his room he flopped himself across his bed with a groan. It was true, he hadn't always been so discreet in his youth, he had even hinted at it the first time they were together, but not since he met her had he been with or thought of being with anyone else. He rolled over and draped his arm over his eyes with a sigh.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in."

He heard the door open and peeked under his arm to see who came in. _Shit, I knew who should have asked who it was_.

"Can I talk to you?" Bethany asked. She shut the door behind her.

"Depends."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Did I upset you?"

"No, telling everyone I am a slut is just fine..."

"I am sorry. I was just so upset. My sister and I had talked about our wedding days from the time we were girls, and the thought of not actually being there, it was like you had taken something away from me, including her."

He sat up on the edge of the bed. "I wasn't trying to hurt you either, Bethany. I love your sister. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and the longer I can make that happen, the better in my opinion. Templars were killing families of mages, and I knew they were trying to find away to haul me back in. If they had threatened your sister, I would have killed every Templar in Thedas, but I wasn't going to let that fear stop me from marrying her either. We knew, and that's all that mattered."

"And you two never told anyone?"

"Not one besides the few that were there."

"Who was there?" Bethany asked.

"The officiant and Aveline and Donnic."

"Aveline and Donnic where there?" Bethany sounded a bit hurt.

"For witnesses. I am truly sorry, Bethany."

"Will you...will you tell me about it?"

He smiled at Bethany, but he gazed off in the distance. "It was one of those rare perfect weather days. There was a light sea breeze blowing across the small outcropping we had choose along the Wounded Coast, the sea outstretching as far as you could see, the same sea that had brought us from Ferelden and together. I'm sure anyone who had known me in Ferelden would have thought it some kind of joke, and as I am sure you heard, I wasn't the most commitment orientated young man. As I was waiting for her to make her appearance my heart was pounding so fast."

"You were thinking you were making a mistake?"

"Maker no," he chuckled. "Just the opposite actually, I was worried she would come to her senses and change her mind. A lot of time had passed, and Donnic was trying to reassure me, as I was certain she had jilted me. Suddenly, Aveline, your dog and sister came around the corner, in her white beaded and lace dress, hair pulled up but in disarray and splattered in blood. After the initial shock had worn off, and she stood in front of me to say our vows, I started laughing and couldn't stop. She was beautiful, even flushed from battle and coated in blood. And when she started laughing, it was strangely perfect. This was the woman I had fallen in love with, not some dolled up Hightown noble. We declared our love to each other through giggles, and I am sure the officiant thought we were all insane. I don't know if she would change anything about that day besides you not being there, but I know I wouldn't change anything else."

"Oddly enough that suits her. She never had the fairy tale romance picked out for herself."

Anders smiled at the memory, "Well not exactly to plan, but perfect none the less."

"Thank you Anders."

Anders stood up and walked to where Bethany stood, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I am sorry Bethany, but I do love you sister very much, and I hope that will be enough in the end."

"Of course." She gave him a hug, and as she turned to leave, "Do you want to know something funny?"

"Sure."

"I use to have a crush on you, before I went to the Circle, but when I see you two together, I know you are with the one you are supposed to be with." She smiled at him, "Goodnight Anders." She left the room, closing the door behind her softly.

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><p>Anders lay across his bed, overcome with memories and emotions. He replayed the day they got married over and over in his head, going over every last detail trying to keep the memory fresh in his mind so he would never forget. It was something he learned to do at the Circle, as the memories slipped of his mother, and madness tried to claim him in solitary. After he was satisfied he wasn't forgetting anything and with an unshakeable smile on his face, he went to find his wife. He knocked on her door, but there was no answer. He went back to the galley where he had last seen her, but he didn't find any faces he recognized. Making his way to the deck, he found Isabela and Merrill but before he could ask if they had seen her Merrill asked, "Did you enjoy your visits?"<p>

"Visits?"

"Why yes, I saw Hawke earlier outside your room."

He knitted his brows confused, "I haven't seen her since I left the galley."

"That's odd, she said she was going to check on you, and I told her Bethany must have been worried too because I saw her coming out of your room. She had startled me when she opened the door."

Isabela tried to clarify, "Wait, you told Hawke you saw another woman coming out of her husband's room from behind a closed door?"

"Yes."

"Oh Kitten you didn't..."

As the realization of what Isabela was saying hit him, the smile finally melted from his face. He turned and stalked away to find his wife.

"I didn't do something wrong did I?"

"I'm going to have to teach you more about men and women, Kitten."

That daft elf, she has no idea what she could have done, but surely Hawke wouldn't hold a visit from Bethany against him, it was her sister after all. He knocked on the door, but there was still no answer. He opened the door and peeked in only to close it quickly again, hearing a glass shatter on the other side, "Then again maybe she can." The dog looked clearly conflicted between obeying orders and loyalty to his master. He scratched behind its ears, telling him, "It's okay. You stay here and guard the door. I'll be alright... I hope." and he ducked back inside keeping close to the wall and exit. "This throwing things at me is really becoming a habit." He tried to lighten the mood.

"Get out." And failed.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong." _Bloody elf_.

"I hear you are entertaining guests privately now, is that why you insisted I stay in the galley?"

"I insisted because you needed to relax and not come back here just to watch me sulk."

"So you lied about being sick then?"

"Yes." _Shit_.

"And Bethany did come to see you?"

"Yes." _Double shit_.

"So please, pray tell, what you are doing here? You must be exhausted and I am in no need of your services."

His shocked and wounded feelings must have been clearly expressed on his face because she did seem to instantly regret what she said. "Well I can see more of the family resemblance now, you both clearly think me a whore." he retorted.

"Anders..."

"Don't," cutting her off, "First, she came to apologize. Second, barring what you _obviously_ think of me, to actually imagine your own sister betraying you in such a way is..."

"I have seen the way she looks at you and I know about her crush!"

"Funny she did mention the fact she _did_ have one... 8 or 9 _years ago_. Funny I also remember mentioning myself that I had one on _you_ at that time. What, Hawke, never had a crush or are you too good for that?"

"I..."

He cut her off again, one hundred percent certain his own jealousy at this moment would not be beneficial. "It doesn't matter. Since my services are clearly no longer required..." He gave a mock bow and quickly retreated from the room. He heard a protest against his leaving, but didn't heed it, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

><p>Anders wandered the ship for a while, before finding himself at the bow. Feeling the cool, salty breeze on his face induced memories he had only a couple hours ago been cherishing. Leaning against the rail with a heavy sigh, he stared blankly out at the water trying to soothe himself, but the breeze was making it impossible not to think about her. He was about to turn to head back to his room when he heard footsteps, but with the happy panting also going on behind him he could take a pretty good guess as to who it was.<p>

"I talked to Bethany."

He didn't turn around. "Comparing notes on how next to throw my past in my face? Or maybe she received the same tongue lashing as I did."

"No."

"No? I thought you did that to people you love, I guess I am just special."

"Well can really fault me for being jealous?"

"Being jealous, maybe not. Throwing a glass at my head and insinuating I am a whore, absolutely."

He heard her sigh before she answered, "You are right. I had no excuse to act like that."

He didn't say anything, but just stared out at the water, trying to fight off images of her saying she was going to love him forever, they were quickly dissolving his resolve to stay angry.

"And to answer your question about my crushes," He groaned softly, he had to ask. "When I was younger we moved a lot, the only real friends I had were my siblings. Being handy with a sword did not exactly garnish me friendships with the male population. When I was in the army, the men there were like Carver, they were my brothers. I suppose had I spent more time with them one may have peaked my interest eventually, but considering the events of Ostagar, most of them never left the field where they were slaughtered. But to answer your question..."

He tried stopping the answer. "I don't really need to know this."

"To answer your question, I have only had one crush." There was a short pause, a silent plead for her to stop almost escaped his lips again, but his treacherous curiosity halted its escape. She cleared her throat and continued, "Let's just say there was a silent competition on which Hawke sister would land the devastatingly gorgeous and caring mage running the free clinic in Darktown. I'm sorry, Anders. When I heard Bethany was in your room the old rivalry came back full force, and I had never really dealt with jealousy before. I know you and Bethany would never hurt me like that, but the rage overtook reason. In the end it's all still just a poor excuse."

Most of his anger had melted away by this point and he turned around to look at her. "Ever since you generously helped me with Karl, I have only had eyes for you. There will never be anyone else."

"And there is no one for me but you." The breeze was caressing her hair and face, and she closed her eyes. "Does this remind you of anything?"

"There's a little less blood, but yes to your question." She smiled at his response, and seemed to relive her own memory of their wedding day.

When she opened her eyes she said, "It's getting late, husband. Let's go to bed."


	11. Chapter 11

He shut and locked the door when they got back to her room. After he turned back around to face her, she dropped to her knees and looked at him with desperation mixed with hunger. "Please forgive me, Anders," she begged, her eyes cloaked behind heavy lids. "I am _very_ sorry." She let her gaze rake over his body slowly, before settling on peering into his eyes. He swallowed hard. She knew exactly what she was doing to him and he didn't care. She then started slowly crawling toward him on all fours, her hips swaying. He's breath caught in his chest and he swallowed again, at this moment he couldn't remember why he was suppose to be angry and would have forgiven her killing his cat if she had asked. She pushed herself back to her knees in front of him, and looked up at him, her expression had changed to one of complete sincerity. "Do you forgive me?"

He knew she wasn't going to push if he wasn't ready yet, but he nodded, "I forgive you," was his reply in a breathy whisper. He let out a small yelp when she then pushed him upside the door, and quickly dispatched the laces of his breeches and small clothes, her mouth diving on him as soon as he was set free. _Holy Maker, I might have to make her jealous more often_. Her lips and tongue were working with each other in a feverish pace, causing him to clutch at the door with a groan. Knowing better than to not let him have a good view of her face, she slowed her pace and reaching up with her hands to unbuckle his robes which were no doubt blocking his full view of her enjoying him. He helped her to speed up the process, even though she didn't need it. He pushed slightly away from the door to let the clothing fall to floor, yanking off his undershirt as soon as his arms had been freed. She continued the slow pace, and helped him off with his boots and pushed the rest of the offending clothing away. Once he was completely nude she pinned him by the hips to the door, and she leaned back to run her appreciative gaze slowly across him. "Gorgeous." His hips tried to jump at her approval and the electricity running through his skin from her inspection and fingers, but she sufficiently had enough pressure against them to keep his hips from moving. He groaned at her, a plead or a warning, he himself not even sure. She flicked her tongue across him, before moving in to nip at the bones of his hips. She released her hold, dragging her fingertips across the tops of his thighs, turning at the knee to run her fingernails up his inner thighs, causing him to shudder. Then wrapping one hand around his shaft, and the other massaging his sac, she returned to sucking him. She started out agonizingly slow, running her tongue softly over every speck of him, but with every dive of her mouth she had increased the speed only a fraction. She had worked him up to uncontrollable moaning when she dipped down to take his balls in her mouth, he inhaled sharply, jumping back against the door, and thrusting his hips slightly toward her mouth. He could feel everything curling up tighter, and she must have felt it too because she went back to the shaft, sliding her mouth faster along him. He reached down and one hand twisted a hand in her hair, one underneath her arm, and after a couple more shallow thrusts he guided her up with her hair, pulling up with the other, until he had her on her feet, and then swiftly moved behind her, pressing her upside the door with his upper body her hands pinned under his inline with her shoulders. His cheek rested against her back, their faces pointed in opposite directions, he couldn't look at her right now, or it would all be over. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to catch his breath, keeping his hips arched away from her. After he could speak, "Did you think you were going to get off that easy?"

"I think the real question is, did you?"

He chuckled, still panting slightly. They both knew the answer to that, he allowed himself to get close but he rarely allowed himself to release in her mouth. He loved being inside and watching her writhe with ecstasy too much. After the threat had passed, he turned his head and bit into her neck, her head twitched instinctively coupled with a sharp intake of breath. As his teeth eased their hold, the rest of him did too, and he allowed her to turn around. She still had a smirk on her lips, but he returned one just as wicked. He looked her over, her breasts arching up at him through the fabric of her tunic, her nipples hard and waiting. He bent his head, nipping and licking one through the fabric, causing her to arch her back slightly. He took a step back from her, "You are wearing entirely too many clothes, wife. Take them off."

She eased away from the door, running a hand over her breast, pinching the nipple before moving down her stomach to the juncture of her thighs. As her hand rubbed herself through the fabric, her head went back with a moan. His body jerked in response,_ Maker, she was too good at this,_ and he let out a soft growl of warning. She continued to run her hand down her leg, reaching down to untie her boots. As she stood back up her hand slowly followed the same path it had taken on its way down. She stepped out of her boots, pushing them off to the side with her foot. She again started rubbing and kneading her breasts through her top, moaning in pleasure, before reaching down to the hem and lifting it slowly revealing her tight stomach, letting the fabric slide across her skin as she brushed it against her breasts and she shivered. She finally pulled it over her head, and looked him square in the eye again, as she reached down to cup a breast in one hand and slide the other under the hem of her pants, to stroke herself where he couldn't see. She threw her head back and moaned again. "Wife..." The smirk returned, as she lowered her gaze back to him and moved her hands to the ties of the breeches, releasing their hold before wiggling them over her hips, shimmying out of them due to their proximity to the door. She pushed them off to the side, and stood waiting as he looked at her in all her glory. After he had fully drank her in, he groaned and turned her around, pressing her between himself and the door. He bit the lobe of her ear, before giving it a swipe with his tongue and whispering against it "Oh how you love to tease me, beautiful wife" pressing he's hardness into her backside enticing a soft moan from her lips. He took another small step back, pulling her hips out with him and then ran his own hand across her moist opening. He rubbed the small nub with his fingers until her legs started to tremble and her to moan. He then ran his fingers back and forth across the opening, before fully inserting two of them. Her small gasp turned into her own groans and he repeatedly removed them fully from her before giving a short pause and reinserting them.

"Anders..."

"Yes wife?" This time he completely removed his hand running it over her bottom, across her back and around to cup her right breast, giving the nipple a gentle pull, his left hand still holding on to her hip.

"Please."

"Please, what?" He bent over to plant a kiss on her shoulder, letting his hardness rub against the inside of her thigh, and she jerked back. He smirked into her flesh before grazing it with his teeth and standing back up. Her fingers where digging into the door, and she was pressing her hips into his. He knew she rarely talked while they had sex, but this time he was going to make her beg. He rubbed against her again, and she groaned in agony. "Tell me what you want beautiful wife."

"I want you."

"You want me to what?" He moved his right hand back to her hip, kneading the fleshy curve. She was moving her hips trying in vain to get him to enter her.

"Please Anders, I want you inside me."

He grabbed her hips and thrust himself deep inside her with one quick motion. She cried out with pleasure, her nails digging into the wood. With his right hand he reached around her and started rubbing the little nub, quickly pulling himself in and out of her. Within minutes she was shaking and calling out his name over and over, climaxing repeatedly but he didn't stop. He kept going at his rapid pace, his fingers dancing across her, her body clinched against him until she started to go limp from it. He pulled himself out of her, and turned them around to the bed, supporting her as her wobbling legs threatened to take her to the floor.

He helped her across the bed, entering her more slowly this time and kissing her lips hungrily. He was moving at more controlled pace, but her moans of pleasure vibrating against his lips caused him to break away and moan himself. She lazily drug her nails across his back, and he's whole body tightened up, and he closed his eyes. "Who am I, Anders?"

Maker he was getting close now, "You are my wife."

"Look at your wife." He opened his eyes, and moaned when he saw the lust and love in her eyes. She was biting her lip, her head rolling back with his gentle thrusting. He dipped his head to gently kiss the red mark he had gave her when he bit her neck earlier, and ran his tongue across it causing her to shiver. She was starting to tighten around him again, making him throw himself into more quickly. Her breath was coming out of her now open mouth in short gasps and moans. He groaned out his climax, planting his seed firmly inside her, drawing her over the edge with him yet again.

He collapsed on top of her trying to catch his breath, but couldn't stop himself from kissing and tasting her still. Once he started to calm down he propped himself up slightly, running his tongue over her ear. "That should teach you to tease me," he said.

"I don't know, love, I may need that lesson again."


	12. Chapter 12

They lay on their backs catching their breath for awhile, settling in for sleep, he pulled the cover up across them. They were both lost in their own thoughts when he decide to ask, "Does it bother you I have been with men?"

She turned her head to look at him, "I can personally see the appeal of them, so no. Why should it?"

"Some think it's wrong, I just wanted to know if it upset you."

"Don't be silly, even the mighty Champion of Kirkwall was slain by your sexiness," she mocked herself. "I'm sure there is a trail of broken hearts in your wake."

"I hope not."

"Personally I never saw the appeal of two women myself, but when I saw Isabela, even I was like 'Damn!' those things are like eye magnets, you can't help but look and appreciate."

"I think that's the point."

"Well it's working." They settled back into silence, she was still looking at him. Anders closed his eyes, ready for sleep. After a few minutes when he had almost went to asleep, she said, "Unless this is going to be a problem, me not being able to give you something you need."

He opened his eyes back up to look in hers directly, she was serious. "Never. You give me everything I need." She studied him for a minute, looking conflicted. "What is it, love?"

"Nothing," she looked up the ceiling.

Anders pulled her into him, so she was facing away from him, hoping the position would help if she didn't look at him, but still reassuring. "Are you sure?" he asked and kissed her neck.

"I'm just wondering why you never told me before, I have to ask myself if there was a reason you were hiding this from me." There was a pause, "Was there someone else, someone important to you?"

"Yes," he didn't want to lie, "but that was a long time ago."

"Many?"

"No, just puppy loves and first real love. None compare to the love I have for you. You understand though, right?"

"I guess it depends on what you mean. If you mean do I understand you have past loves, than yes. If you mean do I understand about having them myself, than no. You were my first everything Anders." She was quiet for a moment, "Do you understand that I am a bit jealous right now, that someone had your heart before I did?"

"I do, and they might have held a piece of my heart for a time, but you have my whole heart. You are part of my soul. They were my past and you are my future. I am completely yours, beautiful wife."

"Until the day we die dear husband."

* * *

><p>He woke up a few hours later, his body still pressed against hers where he had pulled her into a spooning position. It had only taken few minutes before she fell asleep, and he had followed her soon after. He kissed her shoulder blade, his need growing again, but after taking her three times that day and almost a yearlong hiatus he decided to let her rest. He pulled the covers up around her and rolled onto his back before he changed his mind. Not that it should have surprised her, it use to be fairly normal for him to wake her up at least once a night after they had made love only hours before only to do it again in when they woke up. He had heard jokes of Warden Endurance, but to be completely honest one of the reasons he had been so lacking in commitment in his youth is that he couldn't find anyone that liked sex as much as he did. There had only been one person before her that could keep up with him, and that had ended for both of them quite unexpectedly. He laid there, his left hand behind his head his right rubbing the small key and thoughts of those nights long ago before fate and a decision tore them apart.<p>

_"Do you miss him, Anders?"_

Anders jumped slightly, Justice had startled him a little bit, he had rarely spoken since they almost died. _"No, just thinking about some happy memories."_

_"Do you wish it would have turned out differently?"_

_"Maybe at the time, but knowing what I have now, I wouldn't change it for anything. I doubt he would have stood by us."_

_"I am not as certain, I believe the rogue loved you."_

_"I think he did too, and I loved him. This is different, I cannot live without her."_

_"Is that why you nearly allowed yourself to die?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I think I understand. The young mage had been correct in her description of what happened when they found you. I had never felt such anguish from another individual, even Kristoff's wife paled in comparison. I knew then I had been correct in holding on."_

Tears started to slip from Anders' eyes to know even Justice had been moved by his wife's grief. He found himself relieved he had not had to witness it. _"Thank you Justice, for both of us."_

_"Of course, my friend."_

He continued to look up at the ceiling happy to leave the past to his memories and looking forward to whatever came next with her at his side as he drifted back to sleep.

* * *

><p>He opened his eyes the following morning to discover her looking at him. "You didn't wake me last night," she said.<p>

He gave her his lopsided grin, she knew him too well. "Oh believe me, I thought about it."

"Have I finally quenched your insatiable lust?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

He snaked an arm around her, dragging her above him, and watched as her expression turned to surprise as he pressed hungrily at her entrance. "Not remotely."

"Well, dear husband, you are starting to make me believe I am doing something wrong."

"On the contrary, beautiful wife, it's because you do everything right." He twined his fingers in her hair and pulled her into a deep, slow kiss, their tongues each caressing the others before using his other hand to push her hips down over him. They both moaned at the sensation and started to slowly move together. When her back arched upward her head back, he bent to run circles around her nipple with his tongue before suckling it. Rising it to an aching peak, he moved to the other and did the same before laying his head back to watch her facial expressions. Anders bit his lower lip and groaned watching her, causing her to look back down at him and give him another long slow kiss. They continued their slow love making until they both climaxed simultaneously. They lay wrapped in each other's arms slowly kissing until there was a light knock on the door. Anders let out a disappointed sigh, he could have lain like this all day.

"Who is it?" She asked.

"It's me, Sister, breakfast is ready."

"Thank you, Bethany, we'll be there soon."

"Do we have to? I just want to stay like this," he asked her softly.

She gave him another kiss. "As much as I would love to, we should probably eat something to at least keep our energy up. Besides aren't Grey Wardens supposed to always be starving or something?"

"No," but his traitorous stomach growled at the thought of food. She laughed and he conceded with a "Fine." pulling her into another kiss before letting her go.

They made their way back to the Captain's table, where Isabela announced their appearance with "Ah the love birds finally join us, thoroughly kissed and made up again, I assume." with a hopeful arched eyebrow.

He just smiled at her. "You are no fun." She replied.

Merrill looked a bit sheepish, but Hawke squeezed her shoulder reassuringly before sitting down next to him. A few men had joined the table, he assumed the VIPs who had willing gave up their rooms. First Enchanter Irving had also joined the group for breakfast, and Anders greeted him with a minor bow of his head and a curt, "First Enchanter."

"Anders," the First Enchanter also slightly bowing his head.

"So, Bethany was trying to tell us the story you told _her_ last night, but I want to hear it straight from the bridegroom's mouth," Isabela said.

"Oh yes, please." Merrill piped up.

"What do you want to know?"

Isabela groaned, "Not this shit again, start at the beginning, you bloody ass."

He laughed, but happily told the story of their wedding again.

Isabela laughed after he was through, "I can hear Varric now, 'Listen to this, no shit, there they were, covered in blood...' he could not have made up a better story himself."

"Blood?" The First Enchanter seemed to be the only one a little bit shocked, the other men must have already been thoroughly regaled with the groups exploits.

"No Shit." Anders replied.

The First Enchanter had stuck to his word to Isabela about not bringing up the mage rebellion during breakfast and after he was done eating, he excused himself. Anders started breathing a little easier when he left and he noticed Hawke relaxed a little also. Bethany also left shortly after claiming she was tired with a pointed look at Anders and her sister.

"Did the love birds keep you up?" Isabela asked.

"Maker, yes."

"I'll fix that, sweetness."

"Thank you."

"Ah ha, so you did kiss and make up!" Isabella tried to claim victory, but he just smiled. "Damn it, Anders, you are worse than Varric and his secrets some times."

"So you dueled the Arishok?" asked one of the men of Hawke.

"Well I wasn't about to let him take Isabela."

"He wanted to take you with him?"

"Well he didn't want me for my many, many talents, I can tell you that," Isabela stated.

"And you slayed a high dragon?" another asked.

"That's right, with the help of Aveline, Varric and of course, Anders," Hawke replied, she looked at him with pride and his heart fluttered.

"We were lucky to miss that one weren't we Kitten? They smelled like dragon guts for a week." Isabela made a disgusted face, which made everyone laugh. "Speaking of Aveline, do you remember that one time she was trying to get you to help set her up with Donnic?"

Hawke groaned with a laugh, "Maker, that was painful."

"I need three goats and a sheaf of wheat, you'll take them to his mother." Isabela howled with laughter.

"And that, token? What was it some copper paper weight with marigolds on it?"

"Big girl was definitely clueless, but she did land herself quite a man."

"He's pretty lucky too."

Anders chimed in, "As long as she stays away from your advice! I think you would have to pry him from the ceiling if she tried to use her thumb."

Hawke and Isabela screamed with laughter.

"Use her thumb for what?" asked Merrill. The others set to howling again, and Isabela leaned over and whispered in her ear. Merrill's eyes got really big again which only fanned the flames. "Does it work?" she asked.

"Well of course it works! Ask them." Isabela pointed at the men at the table.

"Does it?" Merrill asked without missing a beat or batting an eyelash.

They all nodded in agreement with awe. "See?" Isabela retorted.

"Interesting." Hawke said, and Anders choked on his food.

"Now she has always been more fun," Isabela laughed.

"Did Fenris like it?" Merrill asked innocently.

Anders mouth dropped open, Hawke's eyes got big and it was Isabela's turn to choke. _This bloody elf really is 100% clueless_, even if he had wanted to know (which he _really _didn't) that wound was still _way_ too fresh. Isabela stammered, "I...I don't know."

"Well you two were toget..."

"Merrill!" Anders got her attention. "Stop." He looked back at Isabela who was looking down at her hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Isabela."

She shook her head, "It's alright, he made his choice and I made mine. Now I need to move on, but if you all excuse me, I need to make sure the men aren't slacking off." She stood up and left quickly.

"Wow... just... wow, Merrill." Anders said in disbelief.

"I'm sorry, I'm terrible with people. I am trying though, I swear."

"I highly doubt that." Anders replied.

"Anders, that's not helping." Hawke said.

"She has managed to hurt every one of us in less than the span of a day, after ten years you would think she would start to get a clue."

"What, from all your merry visits, Anders?" Merrill accused.

The other men had slipped away at some point during the argument, "Merry visits with a blood mage that ended up slaughtering her whole clan because she wouldn't listen?" he hissed.

"ANDERS!" Hawke cried out.

Merrill stood up, glaring down at him, "This coming from an abomination who murdered just as many victims who were not attacking him as he got slaughtered from the population he was trying to save. Do not dare try to correct me when you have done just as much wrong, if not more." She stalked away.

He continued to stare where she had been standing, "Touché."

They sat in silence for a while trying to absorb what had just happened before Hawke sighed disappointedly. "You go check on Isabela, and I'll go after Merrill." She stood and left without another word, and he just continued to sit there alone.

* * *

><p>He had sat at the table alone for a long while, his head in his hands. He rubbed one across his face deciding Isabela had probably done what she had needed to do by now, be it actually giving orders or cry, and it would be safe to check on her. After not finding her on deck he was directed to her quarters, and knocked on the door. "Who is it?" her tone was sharp.<p>

"It's Anders."

"Oh, come on in." Her tone softened considerably. He went inside, but left the door open. "Sorry about that, you wouldn't believe some of the shit people try to drop on your lap when you are Captain. So and so won't stop looking at me... I mean really? I thought I was a Captain of men, not a wet-nurse of crybabies. Twice I have had men come to my door crying about nightmares, in the middle of the night, I wasn't sleeping, but that's not the point. And another..."

"Isabela."

"Hmm?"  
>"You're babbling."<p>

She sighed, "I know. I also know why you are here. I am fine, really."

"Well, out of fear of another tongue lashing here I am. At this point I have even succeeded at pissing off Merrill. I am on a real streak here."

"What did you do to Merrill?"

"Oh you know, called her a clan slaughtering blood mage, my usual repartee."

She growled, "You didn't!"

"Oh she got me back good though, hypocritical abomination who murders more than he saves; our usually witty banter." She sighed and rolled her eyes at him. He walked around what appeared to be her office area, a small ship in a glass bottle was sitting on one of the shelves.

"Hawke gave me that."

"I know, when she picked it up, I thought of you too."

"Did she ever go anywhere without you?"

He turned back around to face her. "No, I don't think so." He chuckled.

"I don't think she did either. Sparks even then?"

"I'd like to think so."

"Tell me about these sparks, are they magic or something?"

"I don't believe so, although the thought has crossed my mind about my own magic and the magic in her bloodline reacting. It's almost like static, where you drag your feet across the floor and touch metal and there's that quick zap except this is more lingering, a small tingling and warmth. Hard to explain really."

"Does she feel it too, or just you?"

"I believe so, sometimes when one of our hands accidently touches the other we both jump, although I have never asked."

"Interesting, but this does remind me I need to figure out where to move poor, innocent Bethany before your moans and groans scandalize her again."

"You don't have to, I can control myself."

"Don't be absurd, why would I want you to do that? And if there is one thing I know, it is a person's _need_, and you my friend are very _needy_."

He crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow at her, "And what makes you think that?"

She sat down on the corner of her desk looking at him, her expression intrigued he was intrigued. "Well for one, you have exceptional control, I don't think we need to go into how I know that. Two, your reputation, we usually don't get those from just one or two jilted lovers. Three, your skill, again no explanation required. Four, your physique and attitude suggest you get your blood pumping regularly but not from actually working on it intentionally. Five, when you think no one is looking you are ALWAYS undressing Hawke with your eyes. Six, ..."

"Okay, you can stop now."

"Tell me I am wrong." He just looked at her and smiled, "And there is six, talking about sex doesn't send you to blushing, blustering pile of swoons but you get it so often you don't feel the need to brag about it."

"You brag all the time."

"Point exactly. It is my personal opinion that someone who brags about it is just trying to remember what it's like, although talking about it and bragging about it aren't _exactly_ the same, draw your conclusions."

"Well, I believe living with and/or being married to someone may garnish more sex by default."  
>Isabela laughed heartily, "Clearly you have not talked to many husbands."<p>

"No... no I haven't," he laughed too.

"Although, this does beg the question, and only going of expressions here over the past year, how did you control yourself for so long?"

He looked away, looking out of the large picture window in the back of the room. "I hadn't exactly been in control."

"What do you mean?" Isabela sounded suspicious.

He looked back at her. "Maker, nothing like that."

Isabela looked relieved, "Good, because I protect my friends... although you're my friend... but she was my friend first... unless you count that night at the Pearl... hmmm... Anyway, continue."

He had raised an eyebrow to her babbling, but shook his head and looked back out the window. "This past year, as it became more apparent the templar threat was not just my hatred clouding my judgment, our anger grew, and as that anger grew I lost more control over myself and Vengeance. He started taking over more and more, and being unable to talk to Hawke, I couldn't pull myself back from it."

"Are you saying "The Sprit Made Me Do It"? Because that would sound nuts... Except... I believe you."

"Partly. I wonder if I was stopping myself from telling her or he was. I want mages to be free, but looking back, I question at what cost?"

"Hindsight is a wonderful thing. What does he say?"

"He would have said at all costs."

"Would have?"

"He seems to have tempered after recent developments." Isabela seemed to ponder what he had just told her, but didn't ask him any more questions. After a couple minutes of silence he asked, "So now I am wondering, _how did_ the First Enchanter get here?"

She shrugged, "I am not entirely certain myself. I suppose our involvement with the mage underground lead him to me since I was the only one still left in Kirkwall at the time. I guess his connections run a little deeper than one might figure even in Kirkwall. He insisted upon seeing you. I tried to shake him, but he was persistent, promising he only wanted to talk not drag you back. Finally, after days of that, I threatened to plank him if he was lying to me and relented deciding he wouldn't have been lead to me if he meant you harm, you do seem to have _some _supporters." She gave a short pause before she continued, "I hope you know you are lucky Anders, you have happened to find the one person most of us spend our lives searching for. Try to make good on your own promise of not screwing it up again."

She was clearly talking about tomorrow and the ban on mage rebellion talk being lifted, he still didn't know what they wanted from him fully, he doubted he really wanted to know. "I'm going to try like mad, Isabela."

"Anyway, get out of here and tell your wife I'm fine."

"Aye, aye Captain." He bowed and turned to leave the room.  
>"Oh, and one more favor?" He paused. "Be nicer to Merrill." He nodded his agreement and continued back out the still open door but closing it after him.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

He had found Merrill shortly after leaving Isabela's quarters, sheepish admitting perhaps she wasn't the only one who needed to work on her people skills. She was quick to accept his apology, as was her way and scampered off as if nothing ever happened. He had returned to his room, dragging out some tomes he needed to look over for his own research and refresher, settling on his bed. Hawke joined him sometime later, laying her head in his lap reading her own book. They had spent many of their few off days like this, engrossed in their own study but still connecting with one another, him occasionally dragging his fingers through her hair. She had nodded off at some point as she was apt to do, although there had been one time that he had nodded off himself, and the large book he was holding almost landed in her face. He jumped with a start when the book hit his lap, terrified he had hit her, only to find her crouched beside him and chuckling. Luckily Hawke had not begun napping herself yet, and she was quick enough to dodge, sensing his over relaxed state just in time. He did learn not to hold his tomes over her anymore however, just in case.

They were sitting around the table again that evening, all seemed for the most part forgiven. Dinner was quiet, no one seeming to want to end up stepping on anyone else's toes again. Bethany tried to spark some conversation a few times, only succeeding with the First Enchanter, but no doubt sensing she had most likely missed something from that morning resigned to the silence. The whole room was quieter than normal, and it was starting to wear on the nerves. Isabela was the first to crack, "Okay, that's it. Look, I am fine. Are you fine Merrill?"

"Oh, why, yes. Thanks for asking." Merrill responded.

"Hawke?" She nodded that she was also fine, and Isabela asked "Anders?"

"Yes."

"Ok, we are all fine. Moving on." No one still said anything for a few minutes, but someone must have dropped a jug and it shattered on the floor causing Anders and Isabela to jump, and sheepishly look at each other. "Do you remember that time we went in that haunted house?" Isabela asked.

"You went to a haunted house?" Bethany asked.

Anders replied, "Yes, and as I recall Isabela screamed."

"And what was that 'Andraste's flaming knickers!' bit?" Isabela asked him.

"Concern for Hawke of course, she had just gotten a vase smashed against her." A small lie.

"Oh, of course. And the 'Varric, was that voice you being hearing?' and when he said no you said 'Good, than I'm not going crazy.' What was that?"

"The same as your comment about knowing you should have used the privy before arriving."

Isabela looked a bit shocked, "You heard that?"

Anders laughed, "Yes."

Bethany cut in, "Okay so you were both scared, but what are you talking about?"

Hawke explained, "Varric had tried to sell his brother's house, but the buyers had complained of it being haunted, so of course, we had to investigate. As soon as we went in Varric started hearing voices and things were rattling. A door opens by itself and there is this vase floating in the air. Everything went downhill from there, things flying, a chair floating up to right itself against the ceiling, doors unlocking and opening themselves, spectral people laughing. Varric was starting to lose it, and these two defiantly had the heebie jeebies."

"And you weren't scared at all, Sister?"

Hawke laughed, "I wouldn't say I wasn't happy to get out of there."

"Was it really haunted?"

"Actually, there was a small piece of that lyrium idol we found in the Deep Roads in there, the one that drove the Knight-Commander crazy, worst still Varric wanted to keep it when it was already clearly driving him mad."

"Good thing you didn't let him." Anders gave her hand a small squeeze.

"So the lyrium story about the Knight-Commander is true then?" asked the First Enchanter.

"Unfortunately yes. I don't know if it all would have spiraled out of control so quickly or at all had it not been for that damn thing."

"Interesting, but if you will excuse me, I must retire." The First Enchanter had a strange look on his face as he left. No one but Anders seemed to notice.

"All in all though, after the fact, that had to be my favorite adventure." Hawke said.

"There's nothing like getting the blood pumping, right Anders?" Isabela asked.

Anders just snickered, causing Isabela to groan, but then they all laughed.

At some point in the evening Isabela had gotten their rooms switched around, Anders' room now Hawke's previous room and vice versa with strict orders to keep their fun and games to Hawke's room with Bethany in complete agreement. There was a bath waiting for them when they got to the room. He smiled, they use to relax in a tub together back at the estate after a long day. He heated the water back to steaming, before turning back to his wife and drawing her close. He kissed her forehead, reveling in the feel of her in his arms. He gave her a short tight squeeze before saying, "I'm sorry I'm such a bloody ass sometimes."

"Yes, yes you are. But I suppose it is part of your charm." A moment's pause, "Wait, no... No it's not." Anders could feel her shaking her head against him. He had to chuckle.

"So beautiful wife, what is my charm then?"

She paused. He was about to call her out on thinking too hard about what should be a simple question, but she started speaking before he could. "Your compassion, you ran a free clinic in Darktown for a decade, even while I was constantly running you ragged. Your spirit, drive and commitment. You see an injustice, you try to show everyone it's wrong and try to right that wrong no matter the personal cost. Your passion, for your cause and for me. Your love, I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me."

He was humbled, but managed to crack "What not my good looks and sense of humor?" That would have been all anyone said of the old Anders.

"Well... I don't know, the jokes have been a bit lacking of late and I swear I saw a wrinkle the other day when I looked at you..."

He scoffed at that, giving a tight squeeze and tweaking her hair. "Well my wife you are just going to have to start settling now for a wrinkled up, bald and fat Anders. I'm sorry, should have warned you."

"If that's what it takes to be with you, I'll do it."

She always seemed to know what to stay to make his heart jump from his chest. He cradled the back of her head in his right hand, and tilted up her chin with the left, kissing her gently. He pulled back to look in her eyes, "I love you."

"I love you."

They helped each out of their clothes, kissing, holding and caressing each other before climbing in the tub, her between his legs leaning against his chest. He lazily ran his fingers across her skin and through her hair, occasionally kissing the side of her neck. "I wish I could just take you away, some where we can be alone for the rest of our lives."

"That sounds wonderful."

"We'll visit our friends and family when we want but then retreat to our little hide away, to make love and cuddle until the end of time."

"Mmmm."

They went back to their relaxed silence, him returning to dragging his hand across her. He bent his head and started nibbling and licking her neck while she turned her head to give him better access. Reaching around to cup one of her breasts, he circled it with his finger before giving it a gentle pull with his fingers. A lathered washcloth ran over her body, her shuddering under his touch. He licked and tugged at her earlobe, before moving back to her graceful neck.

A lot of footsteps seemed to start running above them, and Hawke pulled away from him sitting up, while he looked at the ceiling trying to figure out what was going on. Muffled shouts followed the footsteps, and a bell started calling out its warning. Hawke sprang from the tub, and he tried to follow but the ship gave a sickening lurch and he tumbled from the tub and crashed into the wall with a splat and slid to the floor.

"Anders! Are you alright?"

He pulled himself off the floor, "I think so." She was already shoving herself in her armor padding, plate freshly cleaned and polished waiting on a stand in the corner. He threw on his robes quickly and helped her with the straps of her armor as things seemed to get more frantic above them. There was another lurch and they grabbed on to the bed to steady themselves, that's when he noticed the furniture had been strapped down, so it wouldn't slide across the floor. She grabbed her sword and headed for the door. He grabbed her arm, pulling her back, giving her a hard kiss, and told her "I'll meet you upstairs," before letting her go and watching her disappear through the door.

He raced back to his room, the dog beside him, "You know, I really wish you were with Hawke right now." The dog seemed to agree but stayed where he was. Anders sighed, and searched his room for his staff. He finally found it under the bed, unsure if it had rolled or been placed there. Grabbed as many potions as he could, shoving them into pockets and pouches. Bethany appeared then, her staff in hand, "What's going on?"

"I have no idea, but take some of these," handing her some potions as well. They left his room and headed up on deck. Men were running everywhere, bumping into him occasionally. He finally spied Isabel a on the quarterdeck shouting orders, Hawke and Merrill by her side. After they had made their way to the others Anders asked, "What's going on?"

"Raiders." Hawke replied.

"Wonderful."

Isabela turned to him. "I'm going need you and Bethany to focus on the ship, try to sink that bitch as soon as possible. Merrill you focus on their crew, keep them from boarding as best as you can, even after they start keep as many as you can on their ship. All three of you stay back as much as possible. Once they board Anders turn your attention to healing."

The First Enchanter had appeared by then, "And me?"

"Assuming the focus of Circle spells, you can help Bethany and Anders."

She called over one of her men. "Take the wheel," she told him when he was close enough.

"What about me?" Hawke asked.

Isabela laughed, "You do what you do best, Hawke, kill the bad guys."

Hawke issued her own order then, "Stay with them boy, don't let anyone get too close."

"I'd rather him go with you," Anders said.

"Me too," Bethany added.

"My mind would be better at ease to know he is here with you two instead of always checking to make sure no one is getting too close."

That was his same argument, but held his tongue. "Take these," handing health and stamina potions to Hawke and Isabela. "Please be careful."

"Always."

He leaned down and kissed her then. "I love you, beautiful wife."

"Until the day we die darling husband." She turned to catch up with Isabela who had gone back to the main deck. A telekinetic blast went off near the ship causing it to lurch again, but as the other ship drew closer their mages seemed to be reserving their mana. He scanned the ship looking for the telling signs of the other mages. Two on the forecastle, one on the main deck, two on the quarter, most likely lifelong apostates and limitedly trained. After the information was passed along, he glanced back at Hawke. She was standing close to Isabela, bouncing slightly and shaking herself out. Well at least this will give us an excuse for another bath, he thought with a smile. He returned his focus to the task at hand, scanning the enemy ship for a point of entry for a fireball spell. They seemed to have known better and for now all entries were sealed. He looked around Isabela's ship and the crew had done the same. "Bethany if you can stick to fire spells to start, I will focus on some primal, see if we can work some cracks into the ship where the fire will be more effective. Merrill, sleep the mages on the forecastle first since they will be coming into range soon. First Enchanter if you can just pick up the slack, I would appreciate it. Also spread out a little, we don't want an AOE wiping us all at once."

They all nodded their agreement and separated slightly. The dog was pacing, this was the hardest part, the waiting. He looked back at Hawke, she had put on her helmet now, but she turned and looked at him too. He gave her a faint smile and it was returned. Tearing his eyes away, Anders said "Merrill wait until they are getting in range of the main body of our men. They may go for us, but I doubt any of them are going to have your special brand of talents, plus we are higher than they are, the wall might help deflect some."

They were really close now, he heard Isabela call out, "Remember men, if we kill them we get their stuff!" There was a hardy agreement from her crew. He shook his head with a vague smile and he thought he saw Hawke do it too. Merrill threw her sleep spell, and the rest raised their shields. Only a couple of the mages on the other ship had shields, which was a good sign. Anders threw a Golem's Fist at the foremast, and it made a loud cracking sound as it smashed upside it. Bethany summoned a firestorm over the main deck and screams of pain rang out. Anders cast a Chain Reaction near the hatch to below decks followed quickly by a Strikes Twice directly above it. The wood hatch cracked and splintered beneath it and with a Searing Fireball cast after that, the wooded cover shattered. He threw another Golem's Fist against the foremast and it fell, blanketing parts of the deck and men in sails "First Enchanter, Grease the sails on deck!"

He swiftly obliged and Anders threw a Firestorm on top of it, the trapped men screaming in agony. Merrill had focused on taking out the forward mages, and as the ships were almost alongside each other she cast another Sleep over the men who were about to attempt boarding. He threw another fireball in the direction of the now exposed hatch. "Merrill, you're doing a great job, try to keep as many as you can over there where Bethany and the First Enchanter can dispatch them without friendly fire. Bethany, try to throw a few fireballs down the hatch when you get a chance. Does anyone need a mana potion?"

A chorus of nos indicated they were fine for now, but he took a sip of one himself just to keep his pool up and he turned his attention to their own decks as the enemy started to board. He lost sight of Isabela but they had their own signal for when she needed healing. He watched as Hawke drew her sword and dash across deck and as she went to leap he threw out a Winter's Blast brittling a couple of her targeted foes before she drew down on Shattering Blow. It was his sign to her he was still okay and had her back. He surveyed the battle casting healing spells, it seemed to be going well. Isabela would appear Backstabbing and shredding her unsuspecting enemies with blinding speed before stealthing to start the cycle again.

"Mana!" Bethany called behind him, and he handed her a potion. Some of the raiders started coming up the stairs to the quarterdeck, but they found deadly, eager teeth awaiting them. He blasted them with his staff, and connected a few times directly with his weapon. The First Enchanter joined his direct assault. There was a sharp whistle and he surveyed the field, and he saw the small flash of crossed daggers indicating Isabela's position, and cast a heal on her. He found Hawke battling near the starboard rail, three men around her, one rather large and his heart slammed in his chest, but she seemed to be handling it, just like she always did. Isabela appeared helping Hawke get rid of the smaller men with her dancing daggers and Hawke's large arching swings. After the two smaller men had been dispatched she moved on confidently leaving Hawke with the one large man, not without sinking in her Twin Fangs as a parting gift though. He looked at the other ship and there were dead men everywhere, less than a handful remained. There were about 15 left on Isabela's deck. He whipped his staff, sending blasts of energy flying across the ship and landing against their foes. Scanning again, Hawke was still battling the large man, and she was thrown off balance by a blow to the chest. He was about to throw a Winter's Blast, when there was a large explosion to his left. Everyone and everything went flying, and then sliding across the decks. He's ears were ringing and he opened his eyes in time to see his wife go over the starboard rail.


	14. Chapter 14

"HAWKE!" His scream was drawn out, bloodcurdling, full of agony but no one heard it. Anders tried to scramble to his feet as the rest were still shaking their heads trying to get the ringing to stop. A couple of raiders had made it to their feet still shaken and wobbly. The blonde mage's skin cracked open, a blue glow emitting from him. Taking a stance he let loose with a devastating Searing Fireball. The blast finished off the two raiders, but also caused damage to the ship and some of the crew around the affected area.

"Anders!" Bethany screamed but he did not heed the call. He ran down the stairs, throwing spells, not caring who or what was affected. His rage devastating the raiders who still survived, everyone was running away from him, most of crew having enough sense to run in the direction opposite of the remaining raiders. "Somebody stop him! Sister? Where is she? SISTER!" Bethany voice was now raised in panic.

Anders was standing in the middle of the deck, an otherworldly scream coming from his lips. He found no one else to take his rage out on, and lumbered to the railing, the First Enchanter and Merrill already there. He went to jump, but Merrill grabbed a hold of him. When he slung her off, she skittered across the deck. She jumped back to her feet nimbly, declaring "Everyone stand back." She threw out an Ensnare. "Keep him healed, if you cannot I will have to let him go again."

"We can't heal him, Merrill. Not when he is like this," Bethany yelled. Anders was screaming in torment, but they weren't sure if it was from the spell because he had been screaming the same way before.

Merrill said something in what Hawke called elfy, most likely a curse. "I forgot."

The First Enchanter threw out a Paralysis Glyph. "It won't hold him long. Put out another one in front of him Bethany." Bethany complied. "Let him go, young elf."

Anders slumped forward, "LET ME GO! HAWKE!" only to be stuck again.

They kept throwing out Paralysis Glyphs one on top of the other as soon as they were able. "Somebody get some rope!" Merrill said. Crew members scrambled and found a piece of rope, two of them holding each end and running opposite directions around Anders. "Make sure you stay out of the glyphs." Merrill warned. "You men get over here and help hold him down!"

By this point Anders was just screaming her name over and over. Bethany ran to the railing and looked over, and Merrill joined her. Anders struggled against his bonds, thrashing and screaming in rage and pain. Merrill looked around. "Where is Isabela?"

They had turned from the rail looking around for yet another missing friend, when they heard a panicked shout from behind them, "PULL HER UP! ANDRASTE'S FLAMING TITS! SOMEONE PULL HER UP!" It was Isabela's voice, and they looked over the rail again. "GRAB THAT ROPE AND PULL HER UP!"

"Men, we need some help over here!" Merrill directed again. The remaining men that weren't wounded or holding Anders down ran to help. They started pulling up the rope, Anders still screaming expected to see Isabela come over the side but instead it was his limp, lifeless wife.

"NNNNNOOOOOOO! DON'T BE DEAD, PPLLEEEASEEEE!" He's thrashing actually dragged a couple men off their feet.

Bethany dropped to her knees besides her, "No, no, you can't be dead, get up!" A couple men untied the knots that had secured her to be hoisted back up to throw the line back down to Isabela.

The First Enchanter went to Hawke's side and closed he's eyes, "I need some silence please!" but Anders was still screaming and crying in agony. "Get him out of here! Bethany, I may need your help, please try to calm down."

Anders started to be dragged across the deck. "NO! NOOO, FUCK! LET ME GO!" He fought, and the men holding him had to strain to keep him moving. "HAWKE! HAWKE!" The men were pulled backward themselves a couple steps. "HHHAAAWWWWKKKKKEEEEE!" He continued to fight and scream, for every five feet they dragged him away, he dragged them back two.

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" the First Enchanter yelled.

He saw Isabela coming over the rail, but he continued to wail. Her eyes were terrified, causing him to thrash even more, "LET ME GO! I NEED TO BE WITH MY WIFE!" The men that helped Isabela over the side came to help the others drag him below decks. "NO! NO! HAWKE!" he screamed. The last thing he saw was Isabela's terror-stricken eyes before he was dragged down the stairs. "HHHAAAWWWWKKKKKEEEEE!"

"LET ME GO, YOU BLOODY BASTARDS!" They dragged him down to the hold, binding his hands before they tied him to a support beam. They grabbed another rope and wrapped and knotted it around him and the pole just to make sure he was extra secure. They stood back and were all looking at him with terror in their eyes, but Anders just continued to rage. As soon as he had been taking away from her the pained cries switched to blind fury. "I'LL KILL YOU ALL, YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! YOU KILLED MY WIFE!" He couldn't tell who was friend or foe any longer. His breaths came in short, rapid inhales, almost like a cornered animal ready to charge, his string of insults unstopping. Occasionally he would struggle against the ropes, letting out a maddening roar when they wouldn't budge. "Maybe we should just kill him," one suggested but Anders didn't flinch.

"Maybe you all should get out." Isabela appeared, water still dripping off her.

"But Cap'n, he ain't safe; he's lost 'is bloody mind."

"And he's tied up and I'm not, who would you rather piss off right now? Go get the ship ready to sail."

They all shuffled back up the stairs, relieved to be out of there. Isabela paced back and forth in slow arc about 6 feet in front of him but his eyes were flaming, staring unblinking straight ahead and he continued to curse and thrash against the bonds. "If sailors know how to do one thing, Anders, it's tie a knot." He's glowing blue eyes flicked to her direction, but turned back just as quickly without any other reaction.

"So you are in there somewhere," she said soothingly as she continued to pace. "Can you hear me, Anders?" Her voice was almost melodic, and he's breathing slowed a fraction, his cursing halted. "I know what you are feeling, Anders. When I looked up to where she was standing, and she wasn't there, I panicked too." He struggled again followed by a cry which this time sounded more pained than angry. "Shhhh. Just listen to my voice. Can you find me Anders?" She continued her questioning slowly in a calm, musical voice, never stopping from her slow pacing. His eyes jumped to her again, and followed her for a second before losing focus and looking at nothing in particular. "That's good, Anders. Can you tell me where you are?" No answer. "You are in the hold of my ship. Do you know who I am, Anders?" He looked at her again, but said nothing. "I'm Isabela, do you remember?"

"Yes," still not his normal voice, monotone and unfeeling, but an answer.

"Do you know why you are tied up, Anders?" His eyes tracked her for a full path across the floor before breaking away again.

"Yes," more normal, more pained.

"Try to stay calm, Anders. You can't help her like this. Do you know who I am talking about?"

"Yes," almost normal, heartbroken, blue cracks fading.

"You need to pull yourself together; it wouldn't do any good blasting us all to bits. She needs you now, Anders, do you understand?"

"Yes." The blue aura faded, and he hung his head. She walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I can't let you go right now, do you understand?"

"Yes."

"If you prefer I can lock you in your room, would you rather I do that?"

"Yes." He had many rope burns from his thrashing.

"Forgive me my methods, my friend." She cut the rope that held him to the pole but not the one that bound him, and stayed behind him, daggers drawn, "Up to your room."

They walked the short distance to his room, she opened the door and they went in. There were books and other things everywhere. She picked a dagger and a letter opener up off the floor, and stuck them in her belt. "They were still trying to save her when I left them, Anders. Let's try not to make this more tragic than it already is. I will go see what I can find out, and check on you soon, alright?"

"Yes, and Isabela, please be careful next time you open the door, I don't do well confined in small spaces," his voice was sincere, clearly not a threat.

"Alright, I'll be back as soon as I can." She cut the rope that bound him, and swiftly left, locking him in behind her.

Anders wiggled out of the thick rope that had bounded him, letting it drop to the floor. Isabela was taking a large risk in trusting him so much, but he knew he couldn't help the situation right now. If they could save her, it was better for him to stay here; he couldn't bear to see her like that again. He checked his wounds, they probably hurt like mad, but he couldn't feel anything over his heartbreak and he left them.

The room was a wreck from the listing earlier, and he gathered up his things and started placing them back on the shelves if anything just to give him room to walk around. He hated confined spaces, which it was why he objected so much whenever they went to the Deep Roads. Most thought he had been scared of the darkspawn, but it was the overwhelming sensation of the walls closing in on him. He didn't really recall having a problem with it before his stint in solitary confinement, but he guessed it could have been a small reason why he hated the windowless Circle Tower so much from the start. After everything was properly stored, he did take to pacing, trying to calm his breathing and think of anything besides these four walls and his wife. He was failing miserably. The mage opened a book, but the words just swam in front of him and tossed it on the bed.

Starting to sweat, he went to the small window and pressed his face to the glass. Although it was considerably cooler it did not help it was near pitch black outside of the porthole. The moon on the other side of the ship did not offer any light to help cast away his panic. His heart thundered in his chest, its shattered pieces seeming to tear at his lungs, making it harder and harder to breathe. _Where was Isabela? _Surely Isabela had enough time by now to figure out if his wife was okay or not. _She is Captain, she has plenty to do right now. When she knows something important, she will come, _he reasoned with himself. He ran his hand roughly across his face, squeezing his eyes shut trying to think of anything, ANYTHING, but nothing came into focus. He couldn't even talk to Justice right now after what had just happened. He knew what happened was all his doing, but he couldn't risk losing it again right now, not before he found out about her. He grabbed a pillow and bit into it hard to keep from screaming; the shafts of the feathers stabbing the roof of his mouth and tongue. The walls pressed in, and finally he clasped on the floor and sobbed.

He lay curled up on the floor for a long time bawling, unable to control himself against his fears and anguish.

Anders came around when he heard familiar voices in the hall, and then there was a something going on in the room to the right of his, Hawke's room. The voices were hushed, he didn't know if it was for her benefit or for his. He crawled over to the wall and pressed his ear to it trying to hear what was being said, but he couldn't make out the words over the blood rushing through his ear. There was some shuffling on the other side of the wall and what sounded like some groaning. He heard the clicking of what reminded him of the times they hastily removed her armor and tossed it to the floor, but there were too many people in the room for this just to be her getting undressed.

He knocked on the wall, and everything went quiet on the other side. "What's going on?" he shouted, but there was no answer. "Please tell me!" Still nothing. He turned so his back was to the wall, and banged his head against it biting his lower lip trying to keep control. _Please Justice, do not allow me to lose control, please. _

A short time later, Anders heard voices in the hallway who sounded like Bethany and Isabela, and they seemed to be trying to decide on something. He hopped to his feet, hoping they would come tell him what was going on. For what seemed like an eternity, he stood in the middle of the room and waited for the door to open or them to at least say something to him. Finally there was a knock. "May I come in Anders?" Isabela asked.

She hadn't forgotten what he had told her earlier, and his anxious response was, "Yes." He could hear the key turning in the lock and the door opened, the two women came into the room. They were not looking at him directly, Isabela was looking past him to the wall with her arms crossed and Bethany was looking at the floor. Anders heart sank, "She didn't make it?"

Isabela looked at him then with tears in her eyes. "We still aren't sure, but Irving has done everything he can for her. Now we just have to wait and see."

"And what does he think?"

Isabela looked down at the floor, but shook her head no.

Bethany was crying, and he crossed the room to hug her. Anders didn't think he's heart could have been more broken, but he was wrong again. This was it broken with no hope. This was worse than Hawke pushing him away. This he wouldn't need an arrow to die from. "Can I see her?"

"Of course, just..." Bethany said.

"Just what?"

She shook her head in denial, and turned to Isabela. "I already saw this once when we found him, I don't think I can go through it again." She quickly detangled herself from Anders and ran from the room.

"Just what?" he insisted.

She didn't look up still. "I already told you, it doesn't look good." He brushed past her and out to the hall, turning left toward Hawke's room. Anders paused, and Isabela caught up. "Wait, are you sure you want to do this?" she asked.

"I at least have to tell her goodbye."

"Are you sure you can handle it?"

"I'm almost 100% certain I can't in any fashion, but if Vengeance takes over do everything in your power to take him down and then throw me overboard. You will _have to_ do this, promise me."

"I can't do..."

"You must, it's important."

She looked at him strangely, but conceded with a nod.

He took a deep breath and opened the door. Merrill and the First Enchanter were inside, Merrill was crying in the corner, Irving by the bed. When Anders opened the door, Irving also receded to a corner. He knew where she was but he couldn't bring himself to look. He bit his lower lip and continued to stand in the doorway. Isabela placed a hand on his shoulder, and he closed his eyes and took a few steps toward the bed.

He finally opened his eyes, and choked on a sob. Her skin was grayish blue, and she was very still. Her chest didn't seem to be rising at all. He dropped to his knees; a gut wrenching sob tore from him. Crawling to the bed, he rested his head at her feet, his chest heaving for air that only came back out in chokes. After several minutes, he dragged himself on to the bed to lie down beside her. When he was directly next to her he shakily reached out his hand to grab hers, hovering above hers for a few moments before clasping it in his. It was cold, and he buried his face in her neck. "Maker, why do this to her? Why? This is not justice you seek, this is vengeance. Take me instead, please." He couldn't speak anymore and sobbed against her.

He didn't know how long he laid there crying against her body, but finally he couldn't take it anymore. He had to get out of here. He kissed her cheek several times, and her forehead. Clutching her hand, he pressed it to his lips also. Finally, he looked into her beautiful, still face, "Until the day we die, beautiful wife," and he kissed her lips.

After he pulled away, she let out one long, shuddering breath.


	15. Chapter 15

He placed her hand back down gently and took one last look at her. The light in the room cast away the bluish tint; she looked so peaceful while everything around him fell apart. Anders moved to the end of the bed and tried to stand but his arms wouldn't push him up, and he highly distrusted his legs to hold him either. He didn't look up, the First Enchanter had left but Merrill and Isabela remained. They both took a step to him, but he croaked a no, his head was spinning and he wasn't sure he could hold his stomach much longer. He rubbed his eyes pressing them shut, he had to tell Bethany. Finally able to gather the strength and the courage, he stood, steadying himself on the post. Thinking he was ready to manage a step, he did. He looked at Isabela, "He seems fine." She went to say something but he closed his eyes and shook his head. He didn't want to say anything else.

"Anders?" her soft whisper, he was already going mad. He would have to get this over with quickly,_ I'm coming, sweetheart_. When he opened his eyes, Isabela was looking past him. A grin slowly spread across her face, and she launched herself at him with a hug. Merrill started squealing from the corner. Anders stood stunned for a second before he spun around almost too quickly, dragging Isabela around with him and she had to catch herself from falling.

Her eyes were open, and she was reaching out to him. Anders cried, "Oh, sweetheart." He ran to the side of the bed, and grabbed her hand holding it to his lips. "Please, don't ever do that to me again." Isabela turned herself into the corner, and Merrill ran from the room, returning very quickly with Bethany, her face still slick with tears.

"Oh Sister, thank the Maker!" Bethany sat down on the bed at her feet.

Hawke looked at them all, "It was that bad, huh?"

Isabela turned around, clear now she had been fighting back tears. "I will say, if I _ever_ have to witness something like that again, I will personally go ahead and put the other out of their misery... _after_ I am certain the first is completely dead, of course."

Anders just knelt and clasped her hand, he was too emotional to speak and Bethany seemed the same.

"Today has been a trial for us all," Merrill said. "What do you remember, Hawke?"

She paused a moment, looking up at the ceiling, her brows knitted together, thinking before she spoke, "I remember being on deck, fighting some huge, ugly raider with a mean axe. It all seemed to be going well until he caught me across the chest, and I lost my balance. I stumbled; unable to catch my breath, then there was like this blast or something."

Isabela cut in, "Those bastards must have been smuggling explosives, and then stupidly decided to take on another ship. Those raiders have never been all there."

"That explains the boom then. By that point, I still hadn't fully regained my balance and I fell over the railing." Anders squeezed his eyes tight to his own memory of that moment. "When I actually could breathe again it was too late, I was underwater and sinking fast. The armor was too heavy, and I already was weakened from the fight and no air. Finally, my body overtook my head, and it tried to breathe, but of course all I got was the burn of water entering my lungs. It was agony for a short while, but then all was quiet and still. I was kind of floating in this very cold place for a long time. Then I felt like I was settling back down, the coldness was disappearing, being replaced by a tingling spreading through my whole body, bringing with it warmth. It felt like I do when Anders is lying beside me. That's when I woke up, I don't know how to describe it. It was..."

"Sparks." Isabela said in amazement.

* * *

><p>Isabela and Merrill stayed a little while longer, but finally left explaining it was going to be a long night getting them ready to continue to Denerim. They had dragged a chair over for him before they left, giving Hawke small squeezes before leaving. Anders and Bethany just sat there looking at her. "Okay, I guess it's back to being up to me to be the fun one," Hawke joked at their somber expressions.<p>

Anders let out a tiny snort of laughter, bowing his head and placing his forehead against the back of her hand. Bethany mildly complained, "Oh, Sister," but something in her tone suggested she was happy to see Hawke already returning to her old self. Anders was emotionally exhausted, the strain from the past few hours taking its toll.

"Anders, what happened?" Hawke's voice seemed very concerned, when he looked up confused, she continued, "To your wrists." He sat back up fully, lowering his hands and allowing the sleeves of his robes to slip back over his wounds. He looked at Bethany; they were both uncertain as to what to say. "Tell me." she demanded.

Anders nodded to Bethany to go ahead and tell her. Bethany swallowed, and wet her lips with tongue nervously. "We had to restrain him, tie him up."

"You did this to him?" Hawke asked in angry shock.

"No, love, this is my fault," Anders cut in.

"Okay, that explained nothing." She was looking at Anders, "Start at the beginning."

"I...I saw...saw you... go overboard." He shut his eyes and cleared his throat trying to gain some control back over his voice. "I tried to get up, to get to you, but when I saw those raiders on deck, I lost control and Vengeance took over. I started casting, not caring who got hurt or the damage it was causing. After the raiders lay dead, I tried to go after you, but they stopped me." His last sentence was slightly accusatory.

"You weren't exactly in any state to be jumping overboard, Anders. I didn't even know if you could swim." Bethany retorted.

"I happen to be an excellent swimmer."

"Duly noted, but you weren't exactly fit to be answering questions at the time."

He knew Bethany was right and continued with a sigh, "I had started scream the moment you went overboard, and I couldn't stop. They stopped me every way they could, eventually tying me up. I struggled against the restraint, even more so after they brought you back on deck. They finally had to drag me away, so the First Enchanter could save you. They bound me to a support in the hold until Isabela came and snapped me out of."

"I think we were all somewhat amazed at the number of men it took to take Anders away. He continually kept dragging them back or making them lose their footing, but his screams banished the awe quickly, they ripped at your soul. He had to leave so the First Enchanter could focus."

"So they tied me up, but it was my struggling that caused the burns."

"I'm sorry, Anders," Hawke said.

He kissed her hand, "There is nothing for you to be sorry for, love."

"I'm sorry you went through that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone you. I know what it's like to wait those hours."

He kissed her hand again. "Now we're even."

* * *

><p>After Bethany decided to go to bed and Anders removed his robes, undershirt and boots and curled up beside her again. She was still lying on her back, and he laid on his right side, his left arm draped across her waist. She had fallen back to sleep sometime a go. He didn't dare sleep for fear he was going to wake up back on the floor of his room and find her gone, this all some stress induced fantasy. There had been several times he had lost control of his mind that day, perhaps this is one of those times. He had wanted many times to wake her up, just to reassure himself. He knew he was awake, he could feel the heaviness of his emotionally battered heart, and he was starting to feel the burns on his arms.<p>

Anders wrestled with his faith once again, wondering how much was his choice. If he hadn't successfully blown the hatch, would any of this ever have happened? Had the Maker actually thought Anders correct about what he called an act of vengeance or had this been His plan all along? Was the Maker trying to prove something to him or was this all some massively horrible chain of events? He never understood Sebastian's unshakable faith. If the Maker had wanted to stop Anders from destroying the Chantry, why didn't He do so? And if He didn't, why not? Did He want mages to be free as well or did He want His Chantry to be incensed and crush them into permanent obedience? Of course no answers came, Anders doubted they ever would.

The curve of her neck distracted him from his thoughts, and he snuggled closer to it, planting a gentle kiss. There was a faint sigh from his wife, and he smiled.

Exhaustion eventually had claimed him, and he woke with a start. Fear started to creep back into his heart, but he felt a gentle squeeze on his hand. Hair brushed against his forehead before she gently rested her head against his. He let out the breath he was subconsciously holding, and relaxed. "I was afraid to sleep, only to wake up and find this part to be a dream."

"I'm still here, husband."

He laid there listening to her breathe for a few minutes, the warmth and pink glow had returned to her skin. "You were right you know."

"I usually am, but please go on."

He smirked at her response, but grew serious before speaking again. "When you said love is important, there is nothing more important to me than your love, I will never forget that again."

"You were right though too, Anders, everyone should be free. What if the one Bethany is supposed to be with is stuck in a tower somewhere where they will never find each other, and even if they did, afraid to follow their hearts?"

He wasn't completely surprised by her reaction, she had always advocated for mages freedom herself, but it did make him more uncertain of how she would react to what he was about to say next. He swallowed, "I want us to be done, Hawke. If we don't stop fighting it will only be a matter of time before something like this happens again, only a matter of time before nothing can bring me back from the rage. Add to that our time together is limited enough with the taint inside me and the fact I will be hunted for who I am and what I have done..."

"What and have a _normal_ life, like farmers or something?"

He knew a woman like her would never go for it, but answered her anyway with a feeble, "Yes."

"I think I'd like that."

There was no hint of her normal mocking, sarcastic tone, but he asked, "Really?" a little more hopefully than he intended.

"Well maybe not farmers, but something a little less _'Can you go kill this for me?' _would be nice." That was more like an answer he would expect.

He propped himself up to look at her then, "I didn't think you'd go for it."

"You are joking right? That stuff I have to lug around all the time is _heavy_. Enough is enough."

He knew jokes and sarcasm could be used to hide a person's real feelings from experience, "No jokes, talk to me, love."

She sighed and turned her head to look at him directly, "The past eight years the majority of what I have done was for the good of someone else while I lost almost everything that was important to me. Had I not been running around doing Maker knows what at the time perhaps we would have been home when Mother received those white lilies and could have stopped her. I should have dragged you from Kirkwall when I realized how far the Templars were going, not try to help fan the flames more, but Bethany was stuck in the Circle and I couldn't. That one, of course, being all my fault because I left her at home alone while I drug you through the Deep Roads. Fighting for the greater good has gotten me nothing but a lot of heartbreak. All I want to do now is protect what I have left."

"You blame yourself for too much, sweetheart. Had you not been helping, would you have even known about the lilies?"

She thought about that a moment, before answering, "Probably not."

"I also believe Bethany went to Circle willing in the end to protect you and your mother."

"That was my responsibility, not hers."

"Isn't it? She's your sister, I don't think that sense of duty started or stopped with you." She didn't say anything and he was also silent for a few minutes. "If you had gotten me away from Kirkwall, how do you think that would have turned out?"

"I don't know, hopefully better than this."

"Perhaps it would have been at first, but as Justice's anger would have grown so would my resentment toward you for not helping, and I would have found a blaze to go out in with or without your help. Now I have done what I can for them, and I know what I stand to lose, I can focus on us. I found out what you meant tonight, when I thought all hope was lost for us. In the forest I wasn't seeking death, just an end to the hurt. If your eyes hadn't opened when they did, I wouldn't have been here if they did later." He looked at her in his newly found understanding of just what it would mean to him if she was gone, and what she had been through because of him. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"But really, that stuff _is_ heavy," she said and Anders laughed.


	16. Chapter 16

Anders had snuggled as close as he could to her, and they both went back to sleep. When he reopened his eyes, it appeared to be about midday from the light in the room. No one had come knocking that morning and he didn't think he had ever slept so long in his life. She was breathing softly, still asleep, and he laid there just listening to her breathe. It is a wonder how one tiny, involuntary action could mean everything to him. At some point Isabela had gotten the ship back underway, and he did start to contemplate what was waiting for them back in Ferelden while he waited for his wife to rouse. She woke up about half an hour later, and she stretched slightly. She whispered, "Are you awake?"

"Yes."

"Good," and she really stretched. "I don't think I have ever lain in a bed this long."

"What about that one time..."  
>"I said lain, husband." She kissed the top of his head while Anders laughed at her response.<p>

He sat up to look her over, raising her shirt to find a large bruise across her left ribs. Finding bruises later was normal since they weren't something that usually appeared right away, although this one did seem to be somewhat healed already. He closed his eyes in concentration and held his hands over the bruised area; he didn't sense any broken bones, but the First Enchanter or Bethany could have already fixed those though.

He jumped when he felt run a fingernail run up his spine. "Wife," he growled. She occasionally did that to him when he was healing her, not being able to resist tickling him when his guard was down. There did seem to be some strain in her lungs, but understandable considering she had drown. Besides some tired muscles, that seemed to be it. He healed what he found and then leaned over, kissing her chest where the bruise had been.

She thanked him sincerely but then grabbed his wrist, and he winced. "That's what I thought," she said of his reaction. "Now, heal yourself. I can't bear to look at these and imagine your anguish that caused them." He had initial forgotten about them in his grief, but later he left him so he would know he was still in control of himself. She ran a hand over the ribs closest to him, "These too."

He looked down to see bruises and faint red lines across his chest and upper arms he hadn't noticed before. His robes on the floor, he noticed, had lines across them where he had struggled and the friction had almost worn the fabric completely through. He did what she was asked, feeling the warm, soothing energy mend his own broken skin. After the task was completed, she thanked him again, grabbing his hands and pulling them to her so she could kiss his mended wrists and forearms.

When he lay back down beside her on his back with his hands behind his head, she leaned over and placed many kisses on his chest and ribs and he tried not to squirm but it did tickle a little. Lastly, she kissed him over his heart, and it fluttered back to a happy state before she laid her cheek on his chest. After a few minutes she asked, "So am I free to get up now?"

"No, you have to stay in bed the rest of the day."

"Please tell me you're jo..." she stopped when she saw his face after looking up. A wicked smile was on Anders' lips, and she smiled back, "As you say, healer."

* * *

><p>They made love the rest of the day and into the evening, but he stopped himself once he realized she was getting tired again even though he didn't want to. She had protested herself, but he insisted she get some more rest and she relented. After she nodded off, he got dressed except for his robes and went back to his own room. Looking at them in disbelief, he could not fathom he had been able to struggle so fiercely before folding them up and stuffing them at the bottom of his trunk before donning another set. He washed up and shaved, and as he was finishing there was a light knock on the door. Fear crept into a quickly beating heart; perhaps Irving hadn't forgotten about the talk they were supposed to have today after all. "Who is it?"<p>

"It's Bethany."

_Thank the Maker. _"Come in."

She entered, leaving the door open, and was followed by the dog. "I heard you moving around in here. How is she doing?"

"Some bruising, but I took care of that. Otherwise, fairly tired. We both slept until about midday, but she's resting again now. I was about to go get her something to eat for when she wakes up."

"I've been worried all day, but I couldn't bring myself to knock. I knew you would tell me if something was wrong."

"I apologize, after last night I couldn't tear myself away. I guess I should let the others know how she is doing too."

"You should probably eat also. I just left the galley not long ago; Isabela and Merrill were still in there."

When they walked into the galley, the room got hushed and all the men were staring at him. Their expressions read fear on most but anger from a few. He looked down to the floor, following Bethany's feet.

"Anders, _my friend,_ how are you today?" When he looked up, she was throwing an icy stare of warning around the room before she looked back at him.

"I'm fine, Isabela."

"And the Misses?"

"She's resting right now, but she seems to be doing a lot better." The men's curiosity sated, they returned to their own conversations while casting wary glances at Anders every now and again.

"Come sit down, you must be starving."

"I'm not that hungry actually, I just came to tell you and Merrill about Hawke and grab her some food for when she wakes up."

"Other Grey Wardens I know are always starving; maybe it just comes across for you in a different appetite...?"

"No."

"No? Interesting... But come, you are going to eat something anyway."

They sat down at her table again, and food was brought over swiftly for him. Merrill was very quiet, but the smell of food hit his nose and he was digging in before he could ask.

"Sure you aren't hungry?" Isabela laughed. He ignored her and kept eating.

"If you don't mind, Anders, I'll go back and sit with my sister. I'll take the food back, if you want, in case she wakes up."

"Of course I don't mind. And thank you, I would appreciate that." She smiled at him and waited for the plate of food Isabela called for.

Merrill was still looking at him, and he figured he must be making a pig out of himself, so he slowed his inhale of food.

"So no ill effects then?" Isabela asked.

"Nope, just some bruising and lung discomfort, but I took care of it."

"And you?"

"I'm sorry about the vines." Merrill blurted out. "And the rope."

Anders hand paused half way to his mouth. "You did what you thought you had to, Merrill, it's okay." Anders said. The elf smiled at that, seeming to return to her old self almost instantly once her conscience had been cleared. "And just some rope burn, all gone now." He showed Isabela his wrists.

"And him?" Isabela asked.

"Quiet."

"Well, I guess that is all good news then."

"I must have been tired, we slept until about midday." Anders commented.

"And yet this is the first we see of you..."

"Sorry, wasn't ready to share yet."

Isabela laughed, "I bet."

"I am surprised the First Enchanter didn't come looking for me."

"Well, in light of recent events, he decided to wait at least another day."

"That was nice of him," Anders said slowly letting on that he knew she probably had something to do with it too.

They chatted as he finished eating, but he could still feel the stares of the other men. Isabela noticed it too, and when he was done she said, "Why don't you and Merrill go check on the little lady? I'll catch up in a minute."

They left the galley, but he heard Isabela addressing her men, "He almost lost his wife, give the man a break!"

"He's a abomination!" one cried, and others agreed.

Isabela hissed, "No, he isn't, and if I ever hear that word directed at him again, I will cut out the tongue of the bastard who said it!"

Anders didn't know if he fully agreed with her assessment of him, but he had to wonder what he had done to deserve such loyal friends.

* * *

><p>Hawke was awake and eating rather quickly when Anders and Merrill had gotten to the room. She finished chewing, swallowing hard before saying with relief, "There you are! Bethany had me worried they were about to toss you overboard, but then said I couldn't check on you until I finished eating."<p>

Anders pointed at the dog, standing a foot to his left. "I don't think he would go for it," he said before he looked at Bethany who was sitting beside her in the chair he had used last night, looking not the least bit ashamed. "Why would you do that?"

She shrugged. "It got her to eat, didn't it?"

He nodded in understanding, "Ahhh, so the patient was being stubborn. She left out that part." He crawled up beside her on the bed, kissing her forehead while snatching a piece of meat from her plate, popping it in his mouth and smiling at her with a wink. He settled himself in a seated position beside her and finished chewing. "Who knew pirates ate so well?"

"I quite agree. I was expecting gruel, mash and strange stews you couldn't quite guess the contents of," Merrill replied. They all laughed in agreement with her.

"Aww, did I miss something funny?" Isabela asked walking into the room.

"We were just talking about how good the food was." Anders said.

"Ahhh, yes, I find the men are more satisfied and will gladly give a small share of the profits to have a real cook on board and not some old, mostly blind coot that only knows how to boil everything into a pulp. Happy, healthily men equals more profit in the long run."

"Leave it to a woman to rule with her wits instead of her fists, and everyone come out better for it in the end. Not that I would want to be on the receiving end of those daggers though either."

Hawke finished eating and Bethany took the plate away for her. "So Isabela, I heard you saved both me and my husband yesterday."

"I didn't think I had done anyone any favors when I finally had you back on deck. After that was all Bethany and the First Enchanter, and what appears to be an unwitting Anders."

"How did you get me back on ship?"

"Well, when I opened my eyes in roughly the same position in which you had been standing, but of course you weren't there and I looked to the quarterdeck, seeing everyone else including one panicked Anders. I found your wake confirming my suspicions when I made it to the railing, so I grabbed one of the secured lines and dove in. Caught the glint of something I hoped was you sinking, and just kicked toward it and I had to latch on to get that rope around because I wasn't able to slow you down at all. Finally though, I secured the knots I wanted, pulled the sword out of your hand, then let you continue to sink as I kicked to the surface. Knots held, and they were able to bring you back on ship." She seemed to shudder at what happened after that.

"And how did you bring Anders back?"

"Sirens use their voices to draw men to them; I just did the same thing. I am no master at it like you though; I had to drag him out, literally kicking and screaming. Then you had to go an almost ruin all my hard work by going ahead and dying anyway."

"I apologize Isabela, I'll try not to let it happen again."

"That would be great. Thanks."

Explanations once again satisfied, they all chatted for another hour but he could tell Isabela and Merrill were getting very tired after their long night and the women left shortly after. Bethany only stayed a little longer before saying she was also exhausted and retreated to her own room. The dog came to get some pets before he left with her, taking to sleeping with Bethany instead of the hallway.

Anders smiled widely at his wife, alone again.


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning when he did allow her to get up, they ate in the galley as usual and afterward went on deck for some air and sunshine. He did beg for the sake of his sanity she stayed away from the rail, and she didn't seem to have a problem agreeing to the condition herself. They stood on the deck her back to him and wrapped in his arms, looking out at the unending sea for a long time. Isabela approached, seeming to regret having to break their happy silence, but continued, "I don't think I can hold him off any longer, Anders."

Anders sighed, "Come, wife, let's get this over with."

Isabela lead them to her quarters, staying outside and shut the door behind them, but thankfully didn't lock it. The First Enchanter was looking out the large window when they entered the room. "Thank you for coming. First, let me express my apology to you, Ser Hawke, healing was never my strongest area of study. I unfortunately didn't realize the cold was a symptom and not caused by your condition."

"There is no need for apology, First Enchanter, I wouldn't be here at all if not for you. You have my humblest thanks." Hawke replied with a slight bow.

"As well as mine," Anders added also with a respectful bow. "If you would forgive me, First Enchanter, but I have brought my wife to this discussion. If not for her support, I would not have made it as far as I did or even been standing here right now. Also, I would not make any decisions about our future without her consultation."

"Of course." He offered her a chair, if which she accepted and Anders stood beside her. "As I mentioned before in our first meeting, I was in Denerim on business. The King had requested an audience with myself and the Knight-Commander. You remember Greagoir, I suppose."

"Of course, as well as the King and Queen."

"I did not realize that you knew them as well."

"He I have met a few times, his wife was Warden-Commander at Vigil's Keep for a time while I was a Grey Warden."

"Of course. Then perhaps it may come as no surprise the topic of which we were called for to discuss. The subject had been brought up before, but now that the tower has been restored, and no sign of further demonic possession, it has now came up again."

_Maker this man loves to talk circles, _Anders thought. He saw Hawke's mouth twitch a few times, most likely thinking the same thing and chewing on her tongue to keep from saying it, but they continued to wait for the point out of respect for the man's recent deeds and position. Finally, something caught Anders attention, "The King it seemed was trying to move forward with a plan to allow the mages to rule themselves. Sadly, I don't know how the events of Kirkwall will change his plans."

"It was my understanding that he knew the danger Meredith posed, actually calling her _'The Biggest Threat to Kirkwall'_ himself." Hawke said.

"I do not think that is what is going to be what changes his mind or not if mages are dangerous."

"I personally doubt the king will allow the actions of one mage to effect his decision, no matter how I personally may feel about said mage." Hawke was proving she could talk circles too, unable to resist her sarcastic ways, no doubt.

"Once again, I am not so certain. I am not sure if you know this young lady, but the King was about to become a Templar when the Grey Warden Duncan recruited him. It is to my understanding it was not a path he happened down on his own volition and gladly accepted Duncan's offer, although Duncan still had to use the Right of Conscription to get him away from the Chantry." Anders had a hard time picturing King Alistair as a Templar, and tried to think back if he ever saw him at the Circle. "I am sure you have heard the tales of the Grey Wardens even in Kirkwall, as I am sure you were also thoroughly regaled, Anders, fighting alongside the Hero herself. As such, Anders, I am certain you have heard two of their companions were mages."

"Of course, one being Senior Enchanter Wynne."

"Exactly so, perhaps these two's deeds will be enough to counteract this... problem. I am sure we will find out soon enough."

"I'm sorry, First Enchanter, but I am still failing to see how this concerns me other than my belief mages should be free." Anders really wanted to just get to the point.

"When I first approached you I did not realize your... condition. Out of fear this problem you had created would change King Alistair's mind about his previous idea and if the need to act became inevitable if the situation became dire, I thought having the person who started this would be beneficial to the mages who would need to find courage in themselves to find freedom in ways not involving demons, and thought you yourself may actual want to help. Now, I think I have a better understanding of what may have actually happened. This condition may actually help us with the King, however."

"How?"

"I am not sure if you knew this but Wynne has the same condition, a spirit of Faith, and the King knows this." Anders was a bit shocked. "May I know the nature of your spirit?"

"Justice."

"Interesting indeed."

"I'm afraid what you saw wasn't Justice but Vengeance." Anders explained.

"Justice is a fine line to walk, my boy, one person's justice is vengeance to another. They are two sides of the same coin. Take for instance your own recent situation, you saw your wife go overboard to her most likely doom, had that actually come to pass how would you have personally felt about the deaths of the raiders?"

"Justified."

"And how do you suppose their families would feel?"

"It was an act of vengeance." He was starting to feel like he was in class again, and he didn't like it.

"Exactly so, although I could see where things could get a little more muddled with own your personal feelings."

"My feelings make him out of control, I can't stop him when he is raging nor does he recognize friends and foes."

"I see. That could be a problem."

"Before you go any further, First Enchanter, unless there is something I can do without fighting, I can't help you. I am no longer comfortable in thinking I can always be brought back, and if I can't, well we know what happens then."

"All I ask of you right now, my boy, is that if we request your aid you will at least think about it, there may come a time when we can use every ally we can get."

Anders looked at his wife, and she conceded with a nod. "We will think about it First Enchanter, that's all I can promise." They turned to leave.

"You know, Anders" they stopped and looked back at Irving, "the question did occur to me later about why we didn't let you dive in after your wife? I seem to recall you swam Lake Calenhad at least once to get away from the tower, isn't that correct?"

"Yes, First Enchanter." Irving nodded slowly, looking back out the window and they continued their way out. Hawke looked at Anders in amazement. "I told you I was an excellent swimmer." Anders told her with a smirk.

* * *

><p>The rest of their trip to Denerim was uneventful. Some of the men were slightly leery of him, and a few got over their fears to try to better understand the difference in what he was and an abomination. The day before docking, Isabela told them to stay on the ship until she could get a feel for if it was safe for them and if so find a safe house until they figured out where they were going to go from there. They were also told to pack what they immediately need into their chests, the rest to be stored until they were settled. After pulling into port they waited another full day, before Isabela returned.<p>

"So, majority of people here don't even care what happened in Kirkwall. The few that do, chantry folk mostly, don't know what they are supposed to be looking for. Of course, I spent the majority of the day explaining how I just barely escaped with my life after hours of prayers about my sick mother as this short, old, balding lunatic waved his staff and the chantry was blasted to pieces. I also told them lies about you too Hawke. You should be safe unless you bump into someone you know. I found you a place in one of the back alleys, most of the thugs here are just as useless as the ones in Kirkwall, you shouldn't have any problems. Except for the stuff you need every day, the rest will be stored in a warehouse until you need it. You will probably receive some visitors in the next couple of days, they are busy people, can't really pin them down with exact dates and times, especially on such short notice. I will keep around town channeling Varric with my wild stories, and come to check on you often. And I think that's it, any questions?"

"These visitors?" Hawke asked

"Let's just say if they don't show up, this is going to be a lot harder than we thought. I'd rather not scare or get your hopes up in anyway, just in case."

"You did always like to keep me in suspense, Isabela."

"Alright then, let's go."

Under the cover of darkness the four women, Anders and the dog went to the safe house. Slipping through the alleys mostly unnoticed, they easily dispatching a couple pockets of thugs that had. They entered the house to find it well stocked, and oddly comfortable. "The circle I use to run with maintain these for their guests throughout the city. They were kind enough to let me borrow it, although they were a little surprised at how long it took me to get back out on the sea. They'll keep an ear to the ground and walls, and let us know of any trouble involving Kirkwall. I didn't give them any specifics, so I'm sure they figure it is something I did."

They spent the rest of the evening taking shifts on watch and napping. A couple hours before dawn, Isabela slipped back to the ship bringing back their chests. Several days went by about the same, Isabela leaving in the evening to spread her rumors and coming back well after dark, telling them her friends are very busy, but she was taking care of some arrangements if they didn't make it soon.

One evening while Isabela was gone, Hawke and the dog were napping before the first shift, Merrill and Bethany softly chatting, and Anders reading a book he had found, stroking Hawke's hair when he felt something nearby, causing Anders to look up. It had just barely gotten dark, too soon for Isabela. He shook Hawke awake, grabbed his staff where it leaned against the arm of the couch and stood up. Walking to the door, everything appeared fine visually, but something seemed off, like his darkspawn sense had been trigged. He felt like something was in the entry with him, he held up his hand to tell them to hold back until he could figure out what it was. A cloaked figure appeared in front of him, and unsheathed two swords.


	18. Chapter 18

"Wait!" The hooded figure was female and she placed the drawn swords on the floor. "I should have known better than to try and sneak up on you, Anders."

He knew that voice, and when she drew back her cloak, she confirmed his suspicions. "Warden-Commander?" and lowered his staff. He turned and indicated to his friends everything was alright before turning back to her. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, not Warden-Commander anymore, but I am here to check the place out before the _real_ visitor arrives. I should have realized you would sense my presence, though. Kind of remembered that bit too late; too use to ignoring it myself with my husband always running the halls."

"Real visitor?"

"You'll see."

"That must be a rogue thing, hints but no answers."

"Of course, part of the training." She smiled sly at him.

"Well come in then, and I'll introduce you."

"May I?" She asked indicating her swords.

"Of course, your Majesty."

She laughed, picking up her swords and slipping them back into place. "You know, when I was at the Keep, I wondered why no one called me that… Now, it just sounds funny coming from you."

Anders led her into the main room, where his friends and especially his wife seemed a bit anxious to know what was going on. "Everyone this is The Hero and Queen of Ferelden. Your Majesty, this is Merrill, Bethany and my wife, Hawke."

The Queen received each of them in turn, surprised at the last introduction. "Wife? Well, this _does_ explain some things. And who is this fine fellow?" asking of the dog. Anders introduced the two and the dog wagged his tail and barked like they had been lifelong friends, she let him sniff her hand before scratching him behind the ears. "Mine still sleeps in the bed cuddled next to Alistair, the bed hogs." She laughed, "But I digress. If you don't mind, I'll take that look around."

She took a long time inspecting every nook and cranny of the house, looking for hidden doors most likely. She did find a trapdoor that lead down into an underground tunnel, which she and Anders inspected, finding it empty and obviously disused. They followed it for a time and she seemed to know where it was leading. "This might actually come in handy later."

"Alright, well, everything seems to be in order." She headed back to the entry to signal whoever was waiting. "If you don't mind waiting with the others, we'll be just a moment."

He went back to the other room.

"Did she leave?" asked Bethany.

"No. She must need to talk to whoever it is privately before they talk to us."

"Why would she be here?" Hawke wondered.

"The only thing I can think of is that _she_ would be someone I would know and trust."

There was some whispering in the entry he couldn't make out, and then a larger, hooded figure, obviously male, entered the room, followed by the queen, another hooded figure and a Mabari. The first stopped short of Hawke and spoke directly to her. "Now didn't you just tell me not that long ago you were never going to return to Ferelden?" King Alistair asked as he removed his hood.

They all quickly bowed when they realized the king was standing in front of them. "I apologize, your Majesty, but it appears plans changed."

"Quite. You remember my sort-of Uncle, Bann Teagan Guerrin?"

Teagan had also removed his hood by then. "Why does he insist on calling me that?" Teagan whispered to the Queen.

"The same reason he calls me an old ball and chain." she whispered back.

Alistair turned to Teagan in shock "You told her?"

"Of course, I remember your majesty," Hawke answered the question directed toward her.

"Oh, right." Alistair turned back to her, the king's escorts were chuckling behind his back, and Anders was trying awfully hard not to smile himself. "And I take it my wife introduced herself before my arrival."

"Yes, your Majesty. And may I introduce my friend Merrill and my sister Bethany? My husband, Anders, you already know."

"Yes, well, I do not recall you introducing him as such before." Alistair studied Anders for a moment.

"My apologies, your Majesty, it was a secret at the time."

Alistair returned his gaze to Hawke. "Yes, well, we all have those, but we do seem to find ourselves with quite a problem, now, don't we? Although, I guess this answers the question everyone is wondering of why you let the man live."

"I may not agree with everything Anders does, your Majesty, but he is still my husband, and our beliefs are the same."

"Yes, well, as it stands I do have to decide what to do now. This will cause me more headaches than I already have, sheltering not just an apostate but now also an enemy of the Chantry. I don't think Ferelden would like to have the Exalted Marches swooping across her for one mage."

Anders was starting to get nervous, but he stood his ground.

Hawke also stood hers, "If you prefer your Majesty, we will take our headaches elsewhere."

Alistair studied her a moment before answering, "I believe we have all done questionable things for love, some more questionable than others, and I am in no position to protest your motives myself." Anders noticed the queen was now looking at the floor. "More to the point, it is my personal belief that mages should be able to rule themselves, as it seems, so is yours, which would be a good considering most of the current company. I also will align myself with a Grey Warden before the Chantry even if certain circumstances have had him removed from the order."

"I did not exactly leave willingly, your Majesty," Anders replied.

"I know of Justice and I'll admit, this does leave me with some questions, as it does my wife, I'm sure. If you would care to indulge us..."

Anders conceded with a slight bow and proceeded to explain everything from his expulsion from the Grey Wardens to the recent events of Kirkwall, including Vengeance.

The newcomers all seemed to carefully listen to what he had to say and think upon it. After several minutes, "What do you think, my dear?" Alistair asked the queen turning to her.

She observed Anders for a few moments before answering, "I knew Anders and Justice a long time ago, and people can change, but as I can see he has changed somewhat as we all do with maturity, he still appears to be the same man I knew at Vigil's Keep, even if back then he tried to hide it. It would seem that things were a lot more desperate in Kirkwall than we thought for them both to feel the need to take such a drastic measure. If the Grand Cleric refused to step in and take control of her Templars, she may have unwittingly seen to the destruction of the mages under her care. Even you saw the threat the Knight-Commander poised… although, I would have love to been there to slap her for talking to you in such a manner."

Alistair laughed at his queen before he turned back to Anders. "So, it seems the method is still in question, but things are different here. What are you current intentions?"

"All I want now is to be with my wife, your Majesty, as I told the First Enchanter."

"Yes, he told me he talked to you also, and he seems to think the same thing as my wife. What does Justice think of blending in with the scenery of a Ferelden free of a "proper" Circle?"

Anders could feel Justice satisfaction that another Circle was coming down, and peacefully this time. "He would like that, your Majesty."

"Very well, may I be the first to welcome you back to Ferelden. Teagan?"

"Yes, your Majesty." Teagan stepped forward to address the group now. "It is the King's desire that you reside near Rainesfere, of which I am Bann, where there could be someone you both can trust to handle this matter. I hope you will find this agreeable, it is a beautiful place, the surrounding countryside full of apples."

The royal couple left shortly via the underground passage they had discovered earlier after Teagan explained they would leave as soon as they were ready with a small complement of his men to escort them the long journey across Ferelden. Anders couldn't believe his luck, once again people were standing by him he would never expect to.

Isabela arrived shortly after the royals had left, and they told her what happened. "So, they did make it. That's good."

"These were the friends you were talking about Isabela?" Hawke asked.

"Of course, I have friends in high and low places. Too bad I missed them. I'll just have to visit them at the palace _later."_

Anders and Hawke laughed, although surprised at the comments, Merrill was lost and Bethany flushed red. Anders gave his wife a tight hug, ready to move past this part of his life and on with her.

* * *

><p>The next few of days were busy. They went through the stuff Isabela had stored, selling a lot of it since they were not wanting to draw too much attention to their hopefully new quiet life in the countryside. He hated watching her get rid of her hard won possessions, but she assured him she didn't mind. "Besides, who is going to dust all that junk now that Bodahn, Sandal and Orana are gone?" she asked him.<p>

They kept a single bookshelf full of her books, another bookcase for his tomes, a few minor decorations, the crest and few select pieces of furniture, allowing Bethany to keep their mother's things for herself, along with anything essential. The stuff she sold brought them a lot of coin, especially all the books. They loaded what was left into a couple of wagons, and headed back to the safe house for a final night with Isabela and Merrill.

It was a bittersweet evening, reliving past exploits and times just spent together as friends, remembering the friends they had made and lost along the way. They stayed up until the wee hours laughing until they cried but then it was time to get some rest for the start of tomorrow's journey.

The next morning, Isabela and Merrill were at the warehouse waiting on them. "I got you something, Hawke," Isabela told her. She presented her a ship in a bottle similar to the ship Isabela now owned. "This way you will never forget your favorite pirate."

"I could never forget you, Isabela." The women gave each other a hug, "Thank you for everything."

"Oh you know me, I'm a helper."

"I got you something, too, Hawke." She handed her a ball of twine. "It's so if you ever get lost, you can find your way back again."

Hawke laughed. "Thank you Merrill."

"And this also, you gave me two, so now I want you to keep one." Merrill handed her a Sylvanwood Ring.

"You should keep this, Merrill..."

"No, I insist."

"Thank you, Merrill." Hawke slipped it on one of her fingers, which made Merrill smile and she gave the small elf a large hug knowing how much this piece of history meant to Merrill. They moved on to Bethany while Anders and Hawke carefully stored the glass bottle with the fragile ship and checked all the rope tie downs again.

Anders felt a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to find Merrill, "I just wanted to say you have definitely made things exciting." She dove in for a quick hug, most likely thinking he would object, but he grabbed on, giving her one back.

"Thank you for always standing by me even though I have given you nothing but a hard time and we rarely see eye to eye." He told her.

"Oh, we didn't see eye to eye because you are so tall," she said seriously, and he had to laugh. He let her go, and looked at her, "Well, I have noticed you standing up for yourself and taking charge more often, perhaps all my nagging had a small part to do with that."

"I like to think so." The two stood looking at each other with sad smiles before Isabela came over. For once Isabela seemed speechless. They crushed each other in a hug, Anders with tears in his eyes said, "Thank you, Isabela. Right now, I owe you everything."

"You don't owe me anything, Anders, I owed her." They held their hug for about a minute without saying anything else before letting each other go. She hastily wiped away tears.

"Don't worry, Isabela, your reputation is safe with me. We couldn't have anyone thinking you're a softy with a heart of gold." She punched him in the shoulder, he laughed out an "Ow."

"Take care of her... And yourself. I don't want to come rescue terrified farmers from a crazed, blue-glowing mage."

"I will."

She nodded at his response. The Bann's man had shown up by then. "So, everyone keep in touch. Send your letters to the Pearl. I'll pick them up there when I am in town."

They agreed they would, although Bethany looked slightly horrified to be sending a letter to a brothel. And once again it was just Anders, Bethany, Hawke and the dog.


	19. Chapter 19

Most of their trip to this point had been pretty uneventful; just one attack by thieves who quickly figured out these weren't just ordinary travelers. The Bann had sent five of his men though they wore nothing to indicate them as such. They were mostly middle aged men that kept to themselves except for one who seemed to be in his late twenties. He was the type most the girls he knew would go for, tall, dark brown hair, light blue eyes, muscular but not overly so. Anders had noticed him looking at Bethany from day one, and after a couple days he had drawn up enough courage to talk to her, and she had seemed pleased that he did. They had talked every day since, sharing meals together before retiring to their own tents. Inside their tent that night he brought up to his wife. "They seem to be growing fond of one another."

"That's what worries me."

"You are too protective, wife."

"You are too unconcerned."

"She had to grow up one day. I thought you would be happy."

"He's a soldier; he's all wrong for her."

Anders had to laugh at that, "And what she should be with, a mage?"

"Well, yes."

"I think you are forgetting something, love."

"What?"

"You were a soldier and I am a mage." He pulled her close and kissed her forehead.

She pushed him away, "This is different."

He sighed, "I don't see how, but if you'd like to enlighten me..."

She seemed to be fumbling for a reason, "He's a male soldier. I lived with them. I know. Most of them are bastards. You don't know."

"I lived with Grey Wardens and soldiers, or did you forget that? And you said most of them were like your brothers."

"Well, you never met my brother; he could be a bastard too. I'm tired, let's drop this."

She laid down with her back to him, and he could swear she was crying. He tried to move next to her, but she pushed him away again. So he rolled over on his back, wondering what he had done this time.

By the next morning her mood had not seemed to have improved much and she even look a little green. "Are you alright, love?"

"Yes."

"You don't look alright, are you sure?"

"I said yes, now stop bugging me."

He dropped it for now; he'll look her over when she was asleep later. Bethany approached, and Anders tried to warn her off with a vigorous shaking of his head but she must have missed it. "Are you alright, Sister?"

"I said I was fine, would you two stop pestering me." She walked away this time and Anders just shrugged at Bethany. Bethany went back to her new friend, both of them looking in the direction of her sister and Bethany with a look of confusion on her face shook her head. Hawke had came back to eat breakfast with him, but he stayed silent this time, food didn't seem to make her feel or look better either. He worried because Hawke had never been sick since he met her, but maybe something had finally caught up with her. He wished she would let him fix it but she was keeping her distance.

They set off again shortly after they ate, Anders and Hawke in silence, but Bethany was in front of them with the soldier, and they were laughing and talking. Anders watched Hawke's reactions to the two together, and she was scowling a lot. Perhaps too much worry was causing her to be sick? He had seen it before, but Hawke wasn't really a worrier. This was her sister though, and she didn't want Bethany to get hurt. He took in a deep breath, letting the light breeze brush his face and closed his eyes trying to at least enjoy the mild weather for a moment. At least they had had nice weather thus far for all the walking they were doing.

"Anders?" He opened his eyes and looked at his wife when she called, she looked very pale, "Anders, I don't feel so well."

"Hawke?" He was able to grab her before she fainted, and ease her to the ground. Bethany must have heard Hawke calling to him, because she turned and rushed over while her soldier called for a halt. Hawke was sweating even though the day wasn't that warm. "Help me get this breastplate off," he told Bethany.

After they removed the piece of armor, Anders squatted beside her, closed his eyes and took a few deep breathes trying to calm himself down and to gather focus. Bethany had already grabbed a piece of cloth, dowsed it with water, and was wiping Hawke's face with it. He closed his eyes, and focused all his energy on her, running his hands above her trying to find the source of the problem. When he found it, his eyes popped back open and he jerked his hands back so fast he lost balance and fell backward into the dirt.

"What is it Anders?" Anders sat there where he fell, his eyes wide and moving his mouth, but nothing came out. Bethany looked at him like he was utterly daft, but worried to death as well now. She calmed herself and found her focus before also trying to find what caused her sister to be ill and Anders to be stupefied. When she found it she looked up slowly at him, but not removing her hands. She also appeared to be shocked as well. The Bann's men except for Bethany's started to back up, casting worried glances at each other seeming to think it was some rare disease that appeared to be spreading. "I thought this was impossible," she finally said. Anders just kept sitting there wide eyed moving his mouth, little choked half syllables coming from it. Bethany finally lowered her hands to her lap, "Anders!" He snapped his head to look at her, "I thought this was impossible."

"No... Just... improbable." He finally managed to say. Suddenly it all made sense, the crabbiness, the tears, the tiredness, the illness, the sweating.

"Ummm, maybe you should tell us what it is before these men make a dash for the trees." said Bethany's soldier.

"My sister is pregnant." Suddenly the other men seemed very unimpressed.

"Okay, they are married right? What's the big deal?" her soldier asked.

"He's a Grey Warden." Suddenly they were all very impressed.

When they were first together Anders had tried to urge her a couple of times to leave him so she could have children, but she would joke they would just have to try harder than anyone else if they really wanted a baby. They had never talked about children after they got married, he supposed content to be with each other and not dwell on something they couldn't have. In the Circle he never dared to dream such a thing, a wife and a child, both were practically forbidden, and knowing himself to be a bit clingy, he moved from bed to bed in hopes of keeping his feet two steps in front of his heart so he could never want something they wouldn't allow him to have. Once the Warden-Commander freed him from the Circle, he did allow himself to love someone, but that would have never resulted in marriage or a child, just a person to spend the cold nights in the keep with. He had never thought about what it would be like to be a father, but he never thought he would be a husband either. He's still stunned reaction caused a whispering among the other men, no doubt expecting a scandal, but his wife was having his baby, and a large smile spread across his face.

Anders looked at Bethany, and she was smiling at him too. He scrambled back to his wife's side, and picked up her hand. Bethany went back to wiping Hawke's face, and shortly thereafter Anders and Bethany were still smiling when Hawke opened her eyes, "Strange, I would have thought a little more concern an appropriate reaction, especially from you two, but perhaps one of you can explain why you are both smiling like that; it's kind of creepy."

When Anders excitement stopped him from forming intelligible words, Bethany stepped in, "You're pregnant, Sister."

"Oh ho, very funny. Getting me back for being a pain, I get it." She looked at them both, their expressions unchanging, and her brow furrowed. "Wait... What?" Anders started nodding at her, and he pulled her hand to his lips to kiss it. "But I thought..." Her initial reaction was confusion but it started to switch to excitement, it was a bit comical to see her smile go up and down before she finally settled on happy, and he wondered if he had done that too. "Really?" she asked Anders hopefully. He nodded again, leaned over, and kissed her forehead before resting his against hers and looking into her eyes, happy tears present for both.

They had gone ahead and stopped for the day, not waiting to risk over exerting Hawke again. Everyone in Ferelden knew the chances of Grey Wardens having children due to their King and Queen both being of the Order, and they actually all sat around the camp fire in celebration that night. One of the older men laughed, saying "You should have seen your man, ser; he was in such shock he flopped over in the dirt."

Hawke laughed, "I'm sure had I not already been on the ground I would have ended up in the same position."

Bethany's soldier, whose name happened to be Conall, piped up addressing the other man who had just spoke, "I do seem to recall you having the same reaction the last time you were told yourself, Fintan."

Fintan response was kind of high, "That's because every time I look at my wife she seems to be having another one at least!" Everyone laughed at that. The other men with children did admit the first time they heard the news they were quite shocked themselves, the biggest man actually admitted he had fainted, although explained it had been abnormally hot that day. Anders could see the pride glowing from the other men as they talked about their children, excitement growing this would one day be him. He looked at Hawke who was listening intently to the other men's stories and she seemed as excited as he was. She caught him looking at her, and she gave him a huge smile and he returned one just as big.

After a couple of hours everyone retreated to their tents. Anders laid on his right side with his wife pulled into his chest facing him, resting her head on his arm, his left hand running lightly across her back. The couple had been silent in their own thoughts for a while before he asked, "Are you happy, love?" She seemed to be, but he wanted to be sure.

"Completely."

"Had you thought about it often?" He didn't like the fact she could have ended up disappointed.

"Rarely, when I passed a child who had the same color hair as you or ones that reminded me of Bethany and Carver growing up, but I was happy enough just to have you."

"I guess for me it wasn't that different going from shouldn't have children to most likely couldn't."

"Are you happy then?"

"Entirely." He kissed the top of her head. "Although I have never been around small children before, that worries me a little."

Hawke laughed, "Almost everyone worries about that, I think. I would like to think we have handled tougher things than this."

"I hope you're right." He tilted up her face, and looked into her eyes a long moment before kissing her gently. "I love you, my beautiful wife." he whispered against her lips.

"I love you, dear husband."

He returned to kissing her, full of love for her and the gift she was giving him. He raised his hand to caress her cheek. After a few minutes his hand had lowered to rest on her ribs, still kissing her lovingly when she rolled over on her back. Watching his face she moved his hand to rest above the tiny life they had created and tears sprang to his eyes. He always had liked resting his hand there, and now he knew why.


End file.
